The Futility of Human Endurance.

Seeing that I have been living in my current house for about two years now, I decided it was time to hang up the domestic shingle, and by that I mean actually get one of those amenities that every bachelor should have. I went out and bought a BBQ. That in itself isn't very interesting, but leads me to the topic of today’s sermon, but why lead the cart before the horse. First a little background.

There comes a time in life when you look around you, and realize that the human race is actually doing the right thing. I come from the end of the use it and throw it away generation. No matter what it was, when you were done with it, it went to the side of the curb. I remember a great many drunken nights coming home with lost treasures abandoned at curbside for morning pickup. Of course, once sober, it was usually quite apparent as to why said treasure was waiting curbside, but any adventure is a good adventure. Then, many years later, a new phenomenon called recycling was born. All of us growing up in the 80's will remember this. At first no one paid it much attention other than the small group of radical tree huggers (myself included), but in time it caught on, and twenty years later you can buy hybrid cars, boxes made from old boxes, and recycled toilet paper (the less thought about that the better).

We also ended the cold war. Very, very good thing. The constant though of nuclear war isn't something I'd want anyone to go through. The Berlin wall came down, there was a big party, people got to see relatives they didn't know existed, and all of those red commies got to wear Levis. Generally a move in the right direction.

There were a bunch of other things, but rather than go into a diatribe of everything my generation did, which will inevitably lead down the path of new inventive drugs, let’s get to the meat of this essay shall we? Back to the BBQ.

So I go over to the local BBQ shop on my lunch hour, and by myself a brand spankin new one, all shiny and black, and on sale to boot. After wrangling in someone to find me one in a box, I get up to the cash and have to get a propane tank as well. No worries, curbside service and everything. I get all the above mentioned crap into my car with a little bit of decorative placement and drive back to the office.

Now this week in the great white north is anything but white. We have a big heat wave sitting over top of us and farting down all the splendor of 32 degrees (that's around 90 for you kids south of the border), plus a bunch of humidity to top it off, so I decided, in a very un-moloquin like way, that maybe my car would get too hot for the tank of propane to be sitting in for the afternoon, so I read the label to see what temperature rating was on my shiny new BBQ tank.

That is when I lost faith, yet again, in the human race.

In bold red letters on the side of the tank, there was a warning. Written very large and menacing like, but in short monosyllabic words so the downtrodden masses could understand it, was the following sentence.

"Do not check for leaks with an open flame."

Wait a sec. It can't say that can it? I mean come on...Let's look at it again kids.

"Do not check for leaks with an open flame."

Yup. That is what is says. I shit you not.

I walked back into the office, and told Newtie of my findings. He confirmed that is what is says, which is good and bad all at once, and poised an interesting hypothesis. If only one or two people blew themselves up to raspberry jam and meaty bits by testing for propane leaks by flicking there bic, there probably wouldn't be said warning, but the fact it is there is pretty much a testament to the fact that this has been done multiple times.

I realized after pondering this new low in human intelligence, and idea struck me. Now, it's gonna sound wacky, but hear me out. I think it will work. Ready?

Step One

Abolish the ability for people to sue other people/corporations for dumb ass things. I'm not going to get into all of the dumb ass things, and write a legal paper of what you can and can't sue for, but everyone out there (well hopefully) knows the dumb ass shit I'm talking about. This sets down the ground work.

Step Two

Be creative with the warnings for a method of population control. I mean if you don't know to not check for propane leaks with a match, you probably shouldn't even consider procreating, let alone serve any real contributing use in society. If you need to read the warning, you shouldn't be buying anything. If you get your dick caught in a waffle machine, you deserve it.

Here's where the real fun begins. Creative warnings.

On the side of the apple pie from your favorite fast food joint it usually has "Caution, filling is hot" written on the side. Maybe it should read something like, "Filling may be warm, so break crust and stick your finger in up to the second knuckle to test it". Yeah, that should work.

"Coffee may be warm. Hold it in-between legs while driving so you don't burn your hands."

"A wonder bread bag is an excellent form of birth control. Thank you for the inventive use of our product."

"After this light bulb has burn out, please feel free to insert into any orifice you like." You can replace light bulb with bottle, hair spray can, old vegetables, axe handle. It's all up to you.

"Even though this poisons rats, it won't hurt you, so please sprinkle some on your potatoes."

"Batteries are an excellent source of your daily required minerals and acids."

"Always look down the barrel of the gun to make sure there is a bullet in the chamber."

"Test for electrical shorts in your bathroom by placing running hair dryer in the shower with you."

"Place bag over head when you are finished emptying it."

I could probably go on for days with this, but instead, I think the real fun is this. Everyone out there who may read this, I encourage, nay, insist, that you find any product with some dumb ass warning on the side, and change it creatively so that we can thin the herd a little. Whip out your bottle of liquid paper (please drink or sniff this for a pleasant, light headed experience) and get those creative juices flowing to cause some damage to the unwashed serfs. Ten points for death, five for a new horrible disfigurement.

It may be harsh, but come on, do you really want the people who need these warnings living and/or working next to you?

More chlorine in the gene pool please.