Let's State the Rules One Last Time.

I think the time has come to write about the rules. I’m talking about rules between the gender relationships, from the male's point of view. I know this one has been hacked apart multiple times, but it's time for my perspective on the whole thing. Albeit I don't have the best track record for this stuff, but hopefully I can provide some insight with the few things that I've learned and those things that have come back and bit me in the ass. I think I've been bitten more than I've actually learned, but, in turn, it's taught me a couple of things that will probably prevent some of the more common issues that pop up. This is one of those great entries that could actually come back to bite me in the ass down the road. Maybe I haven't learned that much, but none the less, here goes nothing. Please ignore any stereotyping that may occur here. These don't apply to everyone, but I think fits the general male profile.

First off, I'm going to state one of the most important rules. This one has to be followed to a tee. Men, as a whole, don't get it. We don't pick up on subtlety, hints, or gentle nudges. We need to be told exactly what's up. For the most part, if a subtle hint is sent to us, it's promptly lost to the ether, or it's completely misinterpreted and leads down the path of daggers. We need to be told what to do, when to do it, and sometimes why we are doing it. A great learning lesson here is to explain whatever the subtle hint means, then, usually, we can learn what to do, but watch out for the pitfall in this one. If the hint changes whatsoever, we'll be back to not getting it again. Men are usually very habitual about these kinds of things. Once the rules change we're back in Kindergarten wondering why we shouldn't eat the white paste. This leads to another one of the more important ones...

When we ask what's wrong and receive the reply of "NOTHING", we do one of three things. The newbie in this situation usually assumes that "NOTHING" means nothing, and thinks no more of it. It usually comes back to haunt them one way or the other, but they get to quickly graduate to step two. Stages two and three usually apply to males who've already gone through the mystery of the newbie stage. I think both of these responses stem from the days of hunting and gathering. We either want to hunt the dinosaur and tame the beast, or run to the hills in fear (before I burn myself on this one, ladies, I am not referring to you as dinosaurs, just an analogy for what we males do). The "hunting" male will instantly go into "get and fix" mode. By only good intentions we will dig, and dig, and dig some more, to try and find out what's really wrong, and because of the stubborn prehistoric instincts, we won't give up until one of two things happen. Either we end up starting a huge fight because we don't understand (see point one), or we find out what's actually wrong. We aren't a very observant gender, but in this situation we somehow, and I wish I knew how we do this, know when what we are being told is true or not. If it's not true we keep digging, and digging, and digging which inevitably puts us into the huge fight category. Circular Logic anyone? The "run to the hills" group does exactly that. You'll know if you're with one of these if every time conflict is even hinted at, the male is running for coffee/the office/mow the lawn/etc. Don't misunderstand us, we do care, but because we don't understand, and can't get past the digging stage, our linear logic states "if we go away, it will all be good again later". I think there is a really simple solution to this one. If there is something wrong, either say what it is, because we can usually accept that, or tell us that "I'm not in a good mood right now, so leave me alone for a while". There is a trap in this one...If we think that it is something that we did (which we may have done unintentionally), we go back into dig mode. Maybe add "it has nothing to do with you" to the leave me alone statement.

I just went back and re-read the last paragraph, and I want to put on the record that I don't want it to be interpreted as a misogynistic statement. I'm merely trying to calm the waters of gender relationships. Guys, don't think I'm letting you off easy either. We'll get what's coming to us later in this entry.

In an effort to explain the great nothing debate, I'll explain the male side of the coin. If you ask us what we're thinking about, and we say nothing, we are actually thinking about one of two things. Sex, or nothing. If we are thinking about sex, and we say nothing, it's because we are always thinking about sex. We can be at a funeral, in the middle of trying to figure out form 368b schedule F of our taxes, or bleeding in a hospital waiting room, and still be thinking of sex. It's that linear thought thing again. Thinking of nothing is really, really easy for most of us. Imagine the volume knob of stereo set to zero. There might be a great song playing, but we just aren't hearing it.

Ok guys, we are just as guilty of gender whoopses too, so it's our turn to be attacked.

All contact with the fairer gender does not mean sex. We really need to get this into our thought process. Just because the cute woman touches your arm, it does not mean that she wants to end up in a secret rendezvous in the supply closet at the office. Sometimes contact is just that. No deep meaning, no hidden innuendo. Just enjoy the contact and get back to whatever you're doing, and whatever you do, don't obsess about it. Just be thankful for the contact and keep on moving. The trick here guys is to learn when contact could mean more. Don't ask me. I have no idea myself, but it stands to reason that contact could mean something. Anytime contact has meant something more in my situation, the female usually makes it quite obvious. If it's not drawn out in big neon letters guys, keep on truckin.

The female gender is emotional. We think we understand this one, but it's like someone from Sweden explaining the compelling new developments in Volvo engine technology to a Tibetan goat herder. We don't really understand, but we're trying really hard to learn. I think one of the solutions here is to actually experience some of those emotion thingies. Be careful where you choose to go down this path. When you are out with the guys having a beer, we don't want to hear about how nice your scented bubble bath was. It's a learning experience guys, and as much as we all try to get it, we don't want to hear about it. Do whatever you have to do to learn about emotions, but keep it to yourself and learn from it.

This next one is one of my biggest peeves. It’s another one of those “lack of research and learning” things, and one that most males are exceedingly guilty of. I am lucky to have a lot of close female friends, so I have the privilege of hearing some of the secrets, and let me tell you one thing. If you think you're doing it right guys, you probably aren't. If there is any doubt in your head about what you are doing, you're probably screwing it up (no pun intended). You will usually know when you are doing it right. It's just one of those things. Learn the parts before you try to use them. We aren't talking about fitting a chevy carb to a ford engine here. You can't assume that with the right tools you can make it work. Ask questions, do research (and by research I don't mean watch some "adult entertainment"), and spend the time necessary to learn what they like. It's worth it in the long run. Here are a couple of quick points I've learned both through trial and error, and spending the time to ask the questions.

1) Quickest to the finish line does not always mean you’re the winner. Slow and steady wins the race.

2) Just because you're done, doesn't mean she is. It sucks to be left hanging on either side. Finish the job, and do it right. Don't try to rush it.

3) Just because your ex liked it, doesn't mean she will. Ask. It's a lot easier. Never, ever, ever assume.

4) Spontaneity is a good thing. Something you read in Penthouse Letters is probably not.

5) Don't just roll over and go to sleep. This one has been done to death but it's worth bringing up again. It's an important one guys, no matter what you have heard.

5) If you're doing something wrong, and are told so, don't get defensive or let it bruise your ego. Instead ask what you are doing wrong and try to fix it. Everyone is happier that way.

6) No means no. Period.

There is only one point I have for the women out there in this department so here goes.

1) We like it. Anything, everything, whatever, whenever, wherever. We'll try just about anything, and enjoy it. Most of us don't get embarrassed, so go for it. In the very, very rare case that we don't like whatever is happening, we'll tell you.

There are many, many more points to be made, but it's only a blog, not a novel so I think I better stop before it gets to the point of unreadable.

And so, I think I'm done the rant for tonight. Hopefully I've shared some of the limited things that I have learned, and in turn, you can use them. Trust me, I'm not any kind of expert in the male-female gender relationship mystery, but I will leave everyone with one thought that goes both ways. Respect, compassion and communication make all of the difference in the world. Those three things can make any situation better, and can solve almost any problem. Just remember that people. As soon as any of those three things start to fail, you better pedal your ass off to get them working again if you want any kind of future with your S.O.

One last quick thing that has nothing to do with this entry. I just have to mention it. I had the best Friday of my life this week. Sometimes the gods smile on you.