32 Going on 20
(If you are link following from Alex's page go down to Tits for Tots, and Other Things I'm Going to get in Trouble for. Otherwise read on)
Like most males, I have most of my epiphanies and good ideas at the most inopportune times. This is usually while I am in the shower or in the washroom. I don't know what it is about these two activities, but ask any male and they will probably tell you the same thing. Uh-oh. I think I let out a gender secret here. Anyhow, my epiphany. There are a whole bunch of similarities between the bachelor at 20 and the bachelor at 32. The difference is all in the subtleties.
All bachelors have a grand collection of condiments in their refrigerator. This does not change with age. Even at 32 I have quite the collection in my refrigerator. The difference is they are brand name now. I can afford real stuff rather than the no name crap. I even occasionally use them. A close neighbor to the condiment rule is the spice rule. At both ages the male will have some spices, but the number usually increases with age. At twenty you will usually have salt and pepper. The rare male will have something like chili powder at twenty. By the time you are over thirty, whether a newly born bachelor or a seasoned one, you will have quite the collection containing garlic, oregano, paprika, nutmeg, etc, etc, etc. I personally believe this is because the older male learns that cooking is a very useful right of passage in dating. The reason we have the spices is because most of us have actually learned how to cook by now and try (read try) to use it in the process of getting laid. The majority of us are also very, very bored of Kraft Dinner so we learned to cook at some point. There is only so much KD, Pizza, and take away that we can eat.
If you look in the fridge under the fourteen bread bags with only the crusts in them you will usually find beer. The older bachelor usually has a selection of flavors of beer so his guest(s) have a choice in flavor. There's also a bottle or two in the mix as well. Usually some generic liquor (rum, rye, vodka, etc) and something different (sambucca, ouzo, goldschlager, Saki, etc). The younger bachelor has one flavor of beer, usually canadian or blue if you are in Canada, and no liquor bottles. You're actually pretty lucky if you can find more than three or four bottles of beer in there. Both bachelors will have a selection of pint glasses. If the elder bachelor has gone through a separation or divorce, the pint glasses will be spanking new, as all of the original, stolen from pub collection, was thrown out by the X and the new found bachelor has gone out and bought them cause we don't have the time, energy, or stones to go out and steal more. Back in the attic bitter man.
I think the biggest difference is the elder bachelor actually keeps his home clean (again, all about getting laid. Nobody wants to have sex for the first time with someone in a pigsty). It's all about learned conditioning. We do learn slowly. It just takes time.
Completely off topic, sort of. The single male usually has no use for Christmas whatsoever. Especially the divorced/separated male. I think I found the one redeeming thing about Christmas for the bachelor. The Cycle of Poo. Mr Hankey makes Xmas all worth while.
I was going to let bitter man take over for a while and write about being single at Xmas, but that's not going to benefit anyone. Especially myself. I can say one thing. Dating at 32 isn't very different than dating at 20. Good thing about dating at 32 is the confidence is there that never existed at 20. Bad things...Well...damn. Pick a number from the list. One of the things that really bite you in the ass when you are older is moral's. At 20 you will take advantage of anything to get laid. At 32 nice guy takes over and you feel guilty even thinking of taking advantage. The only other one I'm going to talk about is the fact the newborn bachelor never thought that they would be dating again in their life. All of the dating info has long since fallen out or the bowl and has to be relearned, and yes, it does suck just as much the second time around. Bah. Humbug. Damn. Merry F@$&in Xmas.
I had way more points than this when I thought up the entry, but I've run out of steam. There was a point here too, but it fell off the train as well. Let's just call this one a reflection entry. Life in the mirror so to speak. Don't get me wrong, bitter man is not taking over, but occasionally he's allowed to manifest for an hour or so.
Here's some coming attractions...We got a birthday entry coming up. Could go either way...We'll see, and the other entry coming up is a review of the upcoming New Years Eve's Eve party. I think this one is going to be the shindig of the year. Better than New years eve, more fun than a stick in the eye, and more exciting than a kick to the Groin.
I'm the Poo of the antelope. Genius.
(If you are link following from Alex's page go down to Tits for Tots, and Other Things I'm Going to get in Trouble for. Otherwise read on)
Like most males, I have most of my epiphanies and good ideas at the most inopportune times. This is usually while I am in the shower or in the washroom. I don't know what it is about these two activities, but ask any male and they will probably tell you the same thing. Uh-oh. I think I let out a gender secret here. Anyhow, my epiphany. There are a whole bunch of similarities between the bachelor at 20 and the bachelor at 32. The difference is all in the subtleties.
All bachelors have a grand collection of condiments in their refrigerator. This does not change with age. Even at 32 I have quite the collection in my refrigerator. The difference is they are brand name now. I can afford real stuff rather than the no name crap. I even occasionally use them. A close neighbor to the condiment rule is the spice rule. At both ages the male will have some spices, but the number usually increases with age. At twenty you will usually have salt and pepper. The rare male will have something like chili powder at twenty. By the time you are over thirty, whether a newly born bachelor or a seasoned one, you will have quite the collection containing garlic, oregano, paprika, nutmeg, etc, etc, etc. I personally believe this is because the older male learns that cooking is a very useful right of passage in dating. The reason we have the spices is because most of us have actually learned how to cook by now and try (read try) to use it in the process of getting laid. The majority of us are also very, very bored of Kraft Dinner so we learned to cook at some point. There is only so much KD, Pizza, and take away that we can eat.
If you look in the fridge under the fourteen bread bags with only the crusts in them you will usually find beer. The older bachelor usually has a selection of flavors of beer so his guest(s) have a choice in flavor. There's also a bottle or two in the mix as well. Usually some generic liquor (rum, rye, vodka, etc) and something different (sambucca, ouzo, goldschlager, Saki, etc). The younger bachelor has one flavor of beer, usually canadian or blue if you are in Canada, and no liquor bottles. You're actually pretty lucky if you can find more than three or four bottles of beer in there. Both bachelors will have a selection of pint glasses. If the elder bachelor has gone through a separation or divorce, the pint glasses will be spanking new, as all of the original, stolen from pub collection, was thrown out by the X and the new found bachelor has gone out and bought them cause we don't have the time, energy, or stones to go out and steal more. Back in the attic bitter man.
I think the biggest difference is the elder bachelor actually keeps his home clean (again, all about getting laid. Nobody wants to have sex for the first time with someone in a pigsty). It's all about learned conditioning. We do learn slowly. It just takes time.
Completely off topic, sort of. The single male usually has no use for Christmas whatsoever. Especially the divorced/separated male. I think I found the one redeeming thing about Christmas for the bachelor. The Cycle of Poo. Mr Hankey makes Xmas all worth while.
I was going to let bitter man take over for a while and write about being single at Xmas, but that's not going to benefit anyone. Especially myself. I can say one thing. Dating at 32 isn't very different than dating at 20. Good thing about dating at 32 is the confidence is there that never existed at 20. Bad things...Well...damn. Pick a number from the list. One of the things that really bite you in the ass when you are older is moral's. At 20 you will take advantage of anything to get laid. At 32 nice guy takes over and you feel guilty even thinking of taking advantage. The only other one I'm going to talk about is the fact the newborn bachelor never thought that they would be dating again in their life. All of the dating info has long since fallen out or the bowl and has to be relearned, and yes, it does suck just as much the second time around. Bah. Humbug. Damn. Merry F@$&in Xmas.
I had way more points than this when I thought up the entry, but I've run out of steam. There was a point here too, but it fell off the train as well. Let's just call this one a reflection entry. Life in the mirror so to speak. Don't get me wrong, bitter man is not taking over, but occasionally he's allowed to manifest for an hour or so.
Here's some coming attractions...We got a birthday entry coming up. Could go either way...We'll see, and the other entry coming up is a review of the upcoming New Years Eve's Eve party. I think this one is going to be the shindig of the year. Better than New years eve, more fun than a stick in the eye, and more exciting than a kick to the Groin.
I'm the Poo of the antelope. Genius.
posted by Reverend Moloquin at 12:46 AM
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