Tits for Tots, and Other Things I'm Going to get in Trouble for.
Here we are on Saturday night at 2:20 in the morning, and I'm writing a blog entry. Normally, Saturday nights are for other engaging activities, but at this time in the night, and after last nights activities, blog entry writing is probably a good idea, which brings us to the topic of this entry. Last night. Damn. When you are over 25 or so the heavy, every weekend getting blitzed drinking usually slows down or stops entirely, so we live for any excuse to really tie one on, and there is no better excuse than the corporate Christmas party.
Well, where to start. First things first. The Rules of the entry. I have always maintained a policy of anonymity on the web, and in order to protect the innocent, as well as the guilty, I have decided to keep the anonymity policy not only in place, but enforced. No one needs to know who did what with who, or when, or why for that matter (after last night I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who can fall into every category in the afore mentioned list). Secondly, there are not going to be any paragraphs about exact actions. Even with the anonymity policy in place, some things are unique enough to be identifiable by anyone who was there, or in the next party over, or the cops passing by, or by the strung out hooker on King street who I and HG ran into...oops...ok. No more actions will be defined. Thirdly, this is going to be a more observational kind of entry rather than a play by play. Human behavior has always fascinated me, and there is no better experiment than getting a diverse age group together, get them all tanked, and then have some one who was keeping up (or leading depending on where you were looking) document it a couple of days later.
Every year at the corporate Christmas party there is a target. Call it a sense of cruelty, bastardism, or just the art of self-preservation, but it has been something that has been carried on since I started the whole mess back 6 years ago. 6 years ago I got so drunk I couldn't walk, talk, stand, or move. Generally I made a huge ass out of myself, and have never been able to live it down. Since that time, we (all of the past torch-bearers) pick the target from the newbs at the company. There aren't any real hard and fast rules to the target, but the target has to have been there at least a year. This year there was an exception to the usual practice. The target picked themselves. Generally the target sits at the same table as a bunch of us malcontents, and seeing we had one seat free this year, we knew that who ever sat there was in a world of hurt. Without going into any more detail, the target lived up to the task, and took all the heat away from the rest of us drunkards.
The turnout this year was huge. And I think forty to fifty percent were smashed by 8:00. Generally a bad combination. Some highlights that I remember. Actually, I think I'm going to skip this part. Most of the highlights I do remember involve myself and someone else, or many somebody else's that will all have to be explained next Monday in the office. I hooked up with Cute Grrl today for some food and a movie, and between the two of us, we managed to come up with something that took about 30 seconds to happen. The trick here was it took us about ten minutes to come up with this 30 second blurb. I'm anxiously awaiting the return of the pictures. I'm hoping to fill in the blanks of the evening. Thankfully I don't think I'm the only one in this situation, and hopefully there wasn't anything too embarrassing done. I know there is one thing that is going to have to be explained come Monday. There was a dance that took place late in the evening. Myself and a good friend were sharing a dance. It was just a normal slow dance. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, except for the fact that all the end of the evening lights had already come on. Oh, and one other thing. There was no more music playing. The worst part is, there is no explanation other than the fact that we were both drunk. Damn. Alcohol is the great equalizer. Get everyone drunk and we all become babbling idiots.
I've been trying to figure how to either end this entry, or how to tell all the great stories without it turning into a 14 page entry. I think the best method is to just throw out a random jumble of things to keep in mind when tying one on at a corporate function.
Wearing a velvet sport coat to a corporate function will always cause some interesting actions. Adding alcohol makes it more interesting.
Sitting at the same table as someone of the opposite gender wearing velvet pants when you are wearing a velvet sport coat increases the interesting actions exponentially. Especially when it is completely unplanned.
If every time you look down you have a minimum of 2 drinks in your hands, you know you're in for a good time.
If dessert is immediately followed by a round of shooters, look out.
Smoking is an amorphous activity that will increase with alcohol. (yes I had a few cigarettes, no I did not go back to smoking. Still {relatively} smoke free, baby).
If you are newly divorced (or almost) at a corporate Christmas party, you will cause the craziest rumors to fly about. Especially if you hand out the information to anyone who asks (whoops...I'm got some 'splaining to do).
Even if you can barely stand, it's always better to be the protector rather than the aggressor. Nice guys finish last, but at least we can sleep at night and live with ourselves the next day.
Pr0n is not good dinner conversation...Unless you are at the same table as the IT Dept.
Piroetting across the dance floor is always a good idea. Doubly so in a velvet sport coat.
When everyone is drunk, even us silly white guys will pretend that we know how to dance. Never, ever, ever will this be attempted sober, unless she is really cute.
Find the place in your intoxication where you can still function, not make too big of an ass out of yourself, and keep yourself there. Don't go over the line, until you get to the after hours party.
When you get to the after hours party, and you round table the question asking when everyone lost their virginity, and everyone answers, you know it's going to be a good time.
Even if you are on the verge of hooking up, sometimes it's better to wait until everyone is sober. Even if the chemistry is there, alcohol can make you (or the other party) act without thinking and lead down the path of regret. See the notes about the nice guy. If it was meant to happen, let it happen when you are both sober.
If you have to ask someone what happened, chances are you really don't want to know anyways.
Live your life with no regrets, and you won't regret what you did the night before. If you will say it when you are drunk, you would have said it when you were sober, or at least you would have thought about saying it.
Damnit. I really do have some explaining to do on Monday.
>>>>>>>
Quick two point edit.
Most people would be embarassed about the things that I said during the christmas party. The trick to not being embarassed is to not worry about it. What's done is done, and by releasing the information that you may have been keeping cooped up inside, you should feel better. At least I do. Even though I said things that would normally have to be pried out of me, I feel better for having them out in the open. Although, I may be a bit of a masochist.
Second point, Congratulations go out to Obi and family on the birth of their little girl. All the best to you guys. And baby makes four.
Here we are on Saturday night at 2:20 in the morning, and I'm writing a blog entry. Normally, Saturday nights are for other engaging activities, but at this time in the night, and after last nights activities, blog entry writing is probably a good idea, which brings us to the topic of this entry. Last night. Damn. When you are over 25 or so the heavy, every weekend getting blitzed drinking usually slows down or stops entirely, so we live for any excuse to really tie one on, and there is no better excuse than the corporate Christmas party.
Well, where to start. First things first. The Rules of the entry. I have always maintained a policy of anonymity on the web, and in order to protect the innocent, as well as the guilty, I have decided to keep the anonymity policy not only in place, but enforced. No one needs to know who did what with who, or when, or why for that matter (after last night I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who can fall into every category in the afore mentioned list). Secondly, there are not going to be any paragraphs about exact actions. Even with the anonymity policy in place, some things are unique enough to be identifiable by anyone who was there, or in the next party over, or the cops passing by, or by the strung out hooker on King street who I and HG ran into...oops...ok. No more actions will be defined. Thirdly, this is going to be a more observational kind of entry rather than a play by play. Human behavior has always fascinated me, and there is no better experiment than getting a diverse age group together, get them all tanked, and then have some one who was keeping up (or leading depending on where you were looking) document it a couple of days later.
Every year at the corporate Christmas party there is a target. Call it a sense of cruelty, bastardism, or just the art of self-preservation, but it has been something that has been carried on since I started the whole mess back 6 years ago. 6 years ago I got so drunk I couldn't walk, talk, stand, or move. Generally I made a huge ass out of myself, and have never been able to live it down. Since that time, we (all of the past torch-bearers) pick the target from the newbs at the company. There aren't any real hard and fast rules to the target, but the target has to have been there at least a year. This year there was an exception to the usual practice. The target picked themselves. Generally the target sits at the same table as a bunch of us malcontents, and seeing we had one seat free this year, we knew that who ever sat there was in a world of hurt. Without going into any more detail, the target lived up to the task, and took all the heat away from the rest of us drunkards.
The turnout this year was huge. And I think forty to fifty percent were smashed by 8:00. Generally a bad combination. Some highlights that I remember. Actually, I think I'm going to skip this part. Most of the highlights I do remember involve myself and someone else, or many somebody else's that will all have to be explained next Monday in the office. I hooked up with Cute Grrl today for some food and a movie, and between the two of us, we managed to come up with something that took about 30 seconds to happen. The trick here was it took us about ten minutes to come up with this 30 second blurb. I'm anxiously awaiting the return of the pictures. I'm hoping to fill in the blanks of the evening. Thankfully I don't think I'm the only one in this situation, and hopefully there wasn't anything too embarrassing done. I know there is one thing that is going to have to be explained come Monday. There was a dance that took place late in the evening. Myself and a good friend were sharing a dance. It was just a normal slow dance. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, except for the fact that all the end of the evening lights had already come on. Oh, and one other thing. There was no more music playing. The worst part is, there is no explanation other than the fact that we were both drunk. Damn. Alcohol is the great equalizer. Get everyone drunk and we all become babbling idiots.
I've been trying to figure how to either end this entry, or how to tell all the great stories without it turning into a 14 page entry. I think the best method is to just throw out a random jumble of things to keep in mind when tying one on at a corporate function.
Wearing a velvet sport coat to a corporate function will always cause some interesting actions. Adding alcohol makes it more interesting.
Sitting at the same table as someone of the opposite gender wearing velvet pants when you are wearing a velvet sport coat increases the interesting actions exponentially. Especially when it is completely unplanned.
If every time you look down you have a minimum of 2 drinks in your hands, you know you're in for a good time.
If dessert is immediately followed by a round of shooters, look out.
Smoking is an amorphous activity that will increase with alcohol. (yes I had a few cigarettes, no I did not go back to smoking. Still {relatively} smoke free, baby).
If you are newly divorced (or almost) at a corporate Christmas party, you will cause the craziest rumors to fly about. Especially if you hand out the information to anyone who asks (whoops...I'm got some 'splaining to do).
Even if you can barely stand, it's always better to be the protector rather than the aggressor. Nice guys finish last, but at least we can sleep at night and live with ourselves the next day.
Pr0n is not good dinner conversation...Unless you are at the same table as the IT Dept.
Piroetting across the dance floor is always a good idea. Doubly so in a velvet sport coat.
When everyone is drunk, even us silly white guys will pretend that we know how to dance. Never, ever, ever will this be attempted sober, unless she is really cute.
Find the place in your intoxication where you can still function, not make too big of an ass out of yourself, and keep yourself there. Don't go over the line, until you get to the after hours party.
When you get to the after hours party, and you round table the question asking when everyone lost their virginity, and everyone answers, you know it's going to be a good time.
Even if you are on the verge of hooking up, sometimes it's better to wait until everyone is sober. Even if the chemistry is there, alcohol can make you (or the other party) act without thinking and lead down the path of regret. See the notes about the nice guy. If it was meant to happen, let it happen when you are both sober.
If you have to ask someone what happened, chances are you really don't want to know anyways.
Live your life with no regrets, and you won't regret what you did the night before. If you will say it when you are drunk, you would have said it when you were sober, or at least you would have thought about saying it.
Damnit. I really do have some explaining to do on Monday.
>>>>>>>
Quick two point edit.
Most people would be embarassed about the things that I said during the christmas party. The trick to not being embarassed is to not worry about it. What's done is done, and by releasing the information that you may have been keeping cooped up inside, you should feel better. At least I do. Even though I said things that would normally have to be pried out of me, I feel better for having them out in the open. Although, I may be a bit of a masochist.
Second point, Congratulations go out to Obi and family on the birth of their little girl. All the best to you guys. And baby makes four.
posted by Reverend Moloquin at 4:11 AM
1 Comments:
Woohoo - two after hour party shout-outs in one entry. I have the same problem as you when trying to write my party entry.
I'll say this - I can honestly say other than a comment about ASN's I made in bad taste, I have nothing to regret.
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