Bachin' it in the Grocery Store.

Inspiration can come from the oddest places. I was out grabbing lunch from the friendly neighborhood grocery store when the proverbial muse shat on my head. Of all places, it hit me while waiting to buy my lunch in the express checkout line. You get to see the most interesting mix of people in the grocery store. It's kind of like dropping in on friends when they don't know you're coming. There is something about seeing your friends in a jogging suit with fuzzy bunny slippers that takes all the mystery out of them. People, for the most part, don't really seem to care about appearance or charisma whilst shopping for food, but the most eclectic mix is the bachelor.

There are three types of bachelor shoppers according to my calculations. The newborn (or reborn, it's a dual stage category), the perpetually depressed, and the career bachelor. I'm currently in the newborn shopping stage. What this means is I'm usually only buying things that are remotely healthy for me, and trying to recover some of the physique I had at 19-22. Looking down at the checkout line belt you will see a collection of salads, meats, water, fruits, vegetables and juices. If they are hardcore you'll see powerdrinks and possibly redbull. I don't know if it's delusions of grandeur or not, but most recovering bachelors hit this stage. They either start right away with this one, fall into the depressed one first and then come out swinging to the new(re)born stage. There are a couple of variations in the stages depending on the will power of the victim, but it usually a combo of the two. The second one is the depressed stage. These are the guys walking around in the 24 hour grocery stores at two in the morning wearing track pants, a 1988 Winter Olympics T-shirt and flip flops. Don't confuse this with the married guy out getting something for his wife. Watch the speed. Married guy will be flying all over the place frantically trying to get it all done as quick as possible. Depressed bachelor will be either shuffling very slowly or staring at the same thing on the shelf for ten minutes. You can laugh at these guys if you want. They probably won't notice. It's more of a memory thing for them. They seem to remember shopping at some point, and return because that's what you are supposed to do. Checkout belt usually holds 7 days of frozen dinners, snacks of all kinds, condiments, absolutely nothing green, and possibly a cake or two. Drinks, toiletries, and cleaning products will all be forgotten. It's the nature of the beast. The most amusing one by far is the career bachelor. These guys floor me. I'm sure they're happy and all in their solitude, but the shopping belt is hilarious. These guys are usually walking around the store, nicely dressed, with a basket, in a very cheerful mood picking out their items. Usually no more than a basket though. They are at the point where they know what they want and just go and get it as they need, which is what makes for the hilarity in the checkout line. There was a career bachelor in front of me in the line today at lunch, and no shit, this is what came out of his basket. Two cans of cat food, a bag of Smokey Bacon chips, a bag of party mix, a container of pistachio nuts, and a loaf of 100% whole wheat bread. That is a combination of things that is never meant to be in the same basket. Is that not art?

Shopping always sucks, especially food shopping. There is very few ways to make this an exciting experience, but in a past life a friend and I had invented the all time best food shopping game of all time. Here comes the disclaimer. I was 18, shopping with a room mate, and probably under the influence of something when this game was invented. Do not try what you are about to read at home. The rules were pretty simple. One of us had the cart (warning, this is last sane statement of the game), and the other would go find a toilet brush from one of the aisles. Who got what was determined by a coin flip. The object of the game was to finish shopping before a) we were kicked out of the store, or b) one of us couldn't walk anymore. The person with the cart had the responsibility of finding the items on the list and put them in the cart for check out. Because this was the position that sucked, you got the bigger weapon (the cart). The second person's job was to try to sneak things into the cart without the first person seeing them, but you had to hit the person with the cart in the back of the head with the toilet brush for the item to stay. It was the person with the carts job to stop the item from getting in the cart by either a) hearing the second person coming and swing the cart around at the best time to cause the most damage, or b) chase the second person down and rear-end them with the cart before leaving the aisle that you were currently in. If contact was made between the cart and the opponent with the toilet brush, you would switch positions with a 15 sec head start for the person with the brush. Let’s pause for a second. I shit you not. We played this game. I don't think I could get away with it now, not because I'd be embarrassed to try, but because I don't think I could get anyone to play it with me.

No quote today. I had one in the bank from last Sunday.