You're Gonna Shoot your Eye out, You're Gonna Shoot your Eye out.

Welcome to Wednesday, with this Wednesday being the day after Valentines day. I think Obi summed up Valentines day with the best phrasing I have heard in a long time. Before I quote him I should point out I have never been a big fan of the V-day, it falls into the same category as all my Xmas complaints. Anyhow, here's a quote from Obi. "Vday is an obscene, neo-Marxist, hallmark travesty that the unthinking, docile masses have adopted to pacify their unconscious self-loathing." Isn't that art? I think that pretty much sums it up. The idea of having a day being dedicated as the day to the one you love is absurd. If you truly love someone it will be represented every day, and not just the one day of the year. Enough of that. This entry wasn't meant for me to be used a bitching forum. I've done that enough over the past few entries. I though it would be fun to take all those parables we heard as children and adapt them to fit more into my lifestyle now, or at least point out the fallacies in the ones that I don't feel like adapting. Many of them can be adapted simply by dropping a word or adding one. You'll see what I mean. One last sidenote before I dive in, some of these are in here just because I want them to be. Don't be stupid and do any of this shit. Best case scenario you may find yourself sleeping on the couch, worst case scenario, you could wind up dead.

Don't Eat Crackers in Bed -- Why not? They are a good source of salty goodness, perfect for just before you go down for the night. The crumbs are just little reminders of how good it is to have food, and a bed for that matter, and it can leave you with cool designs on your skin when you wake up in the morning.

Don't run with scissors -- Absolutely never, ever, run with scissors, unless you have to, but if you trip and fall on them it's your own stupidity for running with scissors and maybe you should be dead. It's called natural selection people. Cull the heard so the strong will survive. Muhahahaha. (that was evil laugh...again, harder to type than to do, like sarcasm)

Do as I say, not as I do -- How in the hell did this ever make it into the "Things you should say to your child" list. What a crock. Most of us learn by example, so how do you expect a child to comprehend this one. Better yet, I think that if your kid comes home saying they are wanting to try something, you should be made to do it as well. How can you say Heroin is bad if you haven't tried it hmmm? Beside the addiction angle, and that overdose thing, it might be a fun time...or not.

Don't play with "insert name here" -- It's probably more relative when you get older than when you are younger...the worst I could get into was going outside my designated playing area, or maybe smoking. Now I could get into heavy drugs, heavy drinking, smuggling guns, join a thrill kill cult, or becoming a terrorist. You tell me when this rule is more relevant.

If your (friend, sibling, etc) jumped off a bridge would you? -- I'm actually proud to say that I did see my friend jump off a bridge, and I did follow them, and you know what? It was an absolute blast, and I'd do it again damnit. Just make sure that you check the water level before you jump, or don't, I really don't care.

Wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a car and have to go to the hospital -- If I'm on my way to the hospital from being hit by a car, the last thing I'm going to be worrying about is the state of my underwear. Although, I'd rather be wearing old ratty underwear so the blood won't look out of place, or better yet, If I got killed and I shit myself, why ruin a perfectly good pair of underwear? And why exactly is it a pair of underwear?

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all -- I like this one. I liked it as a kid too. I think that it should be enforced with tazers. If you aren't nice, 20 000 Volts across your genitalia, unless you like that sort of thing, then we'll come up with some other from of punishment.

You'll poke your eye out with that -- Again, natural selection. I just love some of the "Accused" things that you could poke your eye out with. I'll give you the screwdriver and the stick. They could poke your eye out if you really tried, but some of the others I question. Back in grade school they used to aerate our lawn, which left lots of dirt plugs laying around...Great fun for throwing at each other, but never did I see any popped eyeballs. What I'd really like to see is someone pop their eye out with an apple. That would be talent.

Money doesn't grow on trees -- It does if you are a Golgafrinchan.

Don't play ball in the house -- I play ball in my house all the time. Now that I have my own stuff, I can break it anytime I want. Where exactly does the dogs tennis ball fit into this equation? Every dog I've ever known has had some kind of a ball...in the house...That means you trust something with an IQ of 20 over your own child. How sad is that. You're going to give your child a complex. Hope it comes back to haunt you, you bastards.

Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been -- That's half the fun, at least when you get older. It's actually better that you don't know where it's been. That could make it even harder to get it into your mouth, and never, ever think about what you are putting in your mouth...Could make it more difficult.

You'll go blind -- Sheeit. I never thought of it as a detriment, I thought that was the goal.

Enough of this silliness. I'm done.

"Mix a little foolishness with your prudence: It's good to be silly at the right moment."
Horace