Regression

It’s time for the rebirth of my rebellious teen to early twenty-something years. It’s been a while since I attacked anything so I figure, why not go for the gusto and just attack everyone. Seems easier that way. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to be attacking anyone personally but rather attack the race as a whole. We are spinning into a society of doddering morons. I’m probably not the first person to come to this conclusion, and I won’t be the last, but it’s time for the bitch session that I’ve been itching for.

As a race we’ve come a long way. We’ve proven that the chicken came before the egg (don’t quote me, but the chicken contains mitochondrial DNA and an egg does not, therefore the chicken must have come first). We’ve also proven that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to here it, it in fact does not make a sound. In order for sound to exist you need a receiver, and without an ear or recording device it cannot exist. Take that all you people trying to clear your mind with the age old riddle. We’ve even mapped the human genome. Shit, we’ve also made the five bladed razor that can shave you back to last week without flaying your face so you look like something out of a George Romero flick, but we still think kicking the crap out of each other is a good idea.

For eons we have been beating the hell out of each other, and all we have done in the past odd (enter whatever number makes you happy and doesn’t piss off your belief system) years is figure out how to kill each other faster and more efficiently. From when the first prehistoric man grabbed a chunk of wood and hit his buddy in the back of the head for taking his brontoburger we have not changed. Then, one of his buddies figured out he could throw a rock and not even be near him when he died, but of course the brontoburger may get cold. At least they were fighting for food.

Let’s jump ahead a whole mess of years. Next stop, the crusades. By this time, science was starting to get a firm foothold in our civilization, so let’s not listen to scholars and let everyone be. A big fat guy with a stupid hat says, “Let’s beat the shit out of everyone who doesn’t believe the same things we believe in. And rather than just beat them, lets torture them a while before we kill them. That’ll be fun.” There’s a good idea.

I have another idea, Lets get on a boat, sail far away to find somebody we haven’t stomped on yet, obliterate their race and their faith, and we can say we civilized them. You can put whatever conquering nation you want in here. This one has been done to death. I mean that literally. Pun intended.

Now we have guns. Little bits of metal and wood that fire smaller bits of metal at who ever you don’t like. That should even up the playing field. Just point the shooty end toward the undesirables and pull the trigger. Don’t deal with the uncivilized heathens up close, just pick them off at a distance and conquer them later.

And then…let’s make a way so we can blow the shit out of entire villages and towns without even having to be there. Just press a button and WHOOSH, off goes a rocket and boom…No lunch for Johnny tomorrow. Oh, wait. No tomorrow for Johnny.

Here’s an even better idea. Let’s strap these two rocks together in a bomb and put them on top of our rocket. Don’t smack the rocks together when you’re nearby. Makes for a very hot workspace. Damn. Now we can level cities, towns, and entire county sides from way far away. It makes such a pretty light as it melts the skin off of your “unfortunate casualties”.

Now that we have these huge bombs on the top of our rockets, let’s make more of them. And more, and more, and more. We’ll stop when we have just about enough to blow up our entire planet 7 or 8 times over. That’ll show those damned evil bastards that we hate this week.

And then the world collapsed. We started to see the errors of our ways. A wall came down that seemed like it was pretty important when it was built. Two dicks got together and decided they didn’t want to be dicks to each other anymore, and for a little while everyone started feeling ok.

This is the part where I started to realize the true nature of our race. Not soon after we all shook hands and sang a song together, we started hating each other again. Not on the global scale that it once was, but you could see the foundation cracking. I don’t think we ever had a utopian society, but I really felt like we were moving towards it for a while. I mean, if the two dicks could get a long, why couldn’t we? But no, you don’t have the same skin color/belief system/monetary value/shoes/goals in life/etc./etc./etc. as me, so lets pretend it’s a couple of hundred years ago and start up the Bar-B-Q. I’m not saying that all of these atrocities had stopped in that magical year, but I was hoping that with the two main players standing down, it would roll downhill and we’d start to see things differently. Guess not.

And here we are today. Waiting for a war to end, which is never going to (at least not in any way we hope for), and I look back on that magical day just over 15 years ago and wonder what the hell happened. We were close, and now we are neck deep in the shit again, just because a bunch of dinosaurs have their dicks out and are seeing who’s the biggest. I’ll tell you what. The big man is the one who zip’s up first. There is no honor in following the leader, and by stepping away, history will hold you as the honorable one.

Remember, wars are not only fought between nations, but between individuals as well. Don’t support the dinosaurs. Stop swinging your dick around and put it back in your pants. All of the mini wars between neighbors, brothers, sisters and friends are nothing more than a way to distract us from the real news and make more money for the dinosaurs. Put it down, walk away and lead a productive life. All of the problems solutions have to start at the ground level and work their way up. I hope that someday my grandchildren’s children will read about war the way we read about the birth of the atomic bomb. Something that used to happen in the past that nobody is proud of. I also want them to read about that magical day in 1989 when the world was united for a few minutes.

Rest in peace Rosa. You were, and are still an inspiration to us all.

50 Points to Live By

I've learned a few things in my thirty-odd years of existence and I think I should share them with everyone. I'm not saying that all of them will apply to everyone, or that they are the golden rules to live by, but I think there are at least a few on the list that can apply to everyone. Trust me, there is no superiority complex here, just some ideas that may make life easier for you and everyone around you. Before I get nasty comments about plagiarism, I know that some of these come from sources other than my caffeine filled melon, and I'll try to quote them where applicable.

1. Be Nice. Plain and Simple. Everyone will appreciate it.

2. All life is sacred. Treat it as such.

3. “Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.” *1 Get used to this one. It makes living a lot easier, and more fulfilling.

4. Smile. It releases endorphins which make you happy. Endorphins are your body's natural heroin.

5. Read a book. Any book. After your done, read another one. Before you know it you'll be reading and it won't suck anymore.

6. When you are driving home from work, miss your exit from the highway on purpose. It may take you somewhere that you never knew existed.

7. Never, ever stop learning.

8. If you don't know what you are talking about shut up. Ask someone later who knows and then you won't look like an idiot shooting their mouth off.

9. If a project looks impossible, look at it from a different angle, or get someone to look at it with fresh eyes. Just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean the solution doesn't exist.

10. If someone does solve your impossible project, say thank you and ask where they came up with the idea. Don't be a dick and say, “I was going to do that next.”

11. Be Polite. Please, Thank you and You're Welcome can still be used in this century.

12. If you are stuck in a traffic jam, don't change from lane to lane trying to get ahead. You look silly, you'll only get there two minutes before me, and you may cause an accident because you don't want to miss the first two minutes of the news.

13. If you don't like something, don't do it, but at least have a reason why.

14. Once a month eat something you've never tried before. You'll discover a lot of stuff that you won't like, but the one thing you will like, you'll love.

15. Chivalry is not dead, it's just sleeping. Wake it up occasionally.

16. Although Chivalry is most often directed as an action by a man to benefit a woman, try reversing it. It can have some interesting effects.

17. It's ok to let you ego inflate occasionally, just pop it before it blows up to be too big.

18. If you are going to lie to you're significant other during sex, that's fine, but never let them find out. That will deflate the ego from the last point in 2 seconds flat. *2

19. Always say what you want. This is a two way street people. There is no gender bias here. Say whatever you want and it will save a lot of cold shoulders later.

20. Don't cheat. Period. Don't cheat on tests, your significant other, or at work. Just don't.

21. Let someone in front of you on a busy street. You'll feel better, and so will they.

22. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. That's why they are called beliefs. They are based on faith, and cannot be disputed. Only the person to whom the belief belongs can change their minds. Don't bother trying.

23. Give something nice to someone without being asked or feeling obligated due to a special day, or out of guilt. Just give them something because.

24. Flirting is not harmful. It doesn't even come close to cheating. It's fun and most people take it as a compliment. It makes most people feel good. Make sure it stops at flirting if there is someone else significant on either side.

25. If you are going to cheat on a significant other, break up with them first. If not the scar will stick around for a long time.

26. Don't belittle someone for their religion, skin color, social status, or for any other reason. Just don't belittle people.

27. If someone doesn't understand what you are trying to explain to them, take a deep breath and try explaining it a different way. Don't get frustrated. It will only make it harder on you and them.

28. We all had to start somewhere. Remember that, and just as easily, but for a quirk of fate, you could be flipping burgers again.

29. If someone is broken down on the side of the road, make sure they're ok. If you help someone out, chances are they might help someone as well. It's like a disease, but without all the nasties.

30. You can skip one coffee a week. Put that money to good use for charity.

31. Whenever possible think three steps ahead, but don't trip over your own feet thinking too far.

32. If a panhandler/homeless person is trying to get you're attention, don't ignore them. They are people. At least acknowledge their existence.

33. If you smoke, be considerate of non-smokers. In turn, if you are a non-smoker, we smokers do have the right to poison ourselves. We'll be polite and try to keep our smoke away from you, but please don't pretend to cough and look at me like I'm a leper with an disease eaten nose.

34. We smokers know that it is killing us. It's only making the older generation smoke out of spite.

35. Alcohol can be a lot of fun, but don't get drunk to the point of stupid. Trust me, we aren't laughing with you, we're laughing at you.

36. If it's your fault, say sorry.

37. If it's not your fault, don't be slighted if they don't say sorry. It would be nice if everyone was polite, but some people are just jerks.

38. Don't drive under the influence of anything. Period.

39. It never hurts to take a 5 minute break. A rested mind can come up with ideas twice as fast as an exhausted mind.

40. Respect everyone and everything.

41. Give anybody the benefit of the doubt. Let them prove themselves wrong, but don't gloat. It's the only way some people learn.

42. We can all learn things from our past, as well as others pasts. If someone says it's a bad thing, and you trust them, it usually is. Don't let it stop you, but think about what you have heard so you can make an educated decision.

43. The chase is almost always better than the catch, so don't be disappointed. When the occasion arrives where the catch is worth it, hold on with all the power you can muster.

44. Work smart.

45. Whenever you are contemplating an important decision, research, research, research. Know what you are in for.

46. If you are ever caught doing something stupid, suck it up and accept that you were caught. Don't blame someone or something else.

47. Critiquing is very different than criticism. Learn the difference, both in giving and receiving.

48. Don't be afraid of new experiences. You'll never know until you try it.

49. Sometimes vacations don't turn out the way you wanted. Don't let it ruin the entire time. Go with it, and you might have fun.

50. Stress sucks, but in this day and age it's part of life. Don't let it drag you down. As hard as it is sometimes, find a way to purge it and get on with living.

*1 All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Robert Fulghum
*2 Obi

I had an epiphany this weekend. There are only two kinds of people in the world. People who work, and people who are afraid to work. I’m not talking only talking about get up at eight, punch in by nine, and out by five crap, but applying the work motto to everything in life.

It goes hand in hand with my biggest pet peeve which is ignorance. There is no reason that anyone on the planet can’t pick up a book, look on the internet, or ask someone who may know the answer. There is nothing more frustrating that some one saying “It’s too hard, I give up”. When it comes to knowledge, there is nothing that is too hard; you are just not asking the right questions or consulting the correct knowledge base. I don’t believe that stupid people are born. As a species we can learn and adapt. It is every person’s decision, or rather responsibility, to accept the fact that we were given a brain to use and nurture in its growth.

Let’s go one step further shall we? The afraid to work motto will dog you forever. If you are afraid to take the plunge and learn something, or afraid to ask a question in order to get the answer, you will have committed yourself to a path until you make a conscious decision to change direction, start dictating what you want to happen, and not let life happen around you. We all know people like this. They are walking and talking ghosts. Not influencing their environment, but merely accepting that they are part of it and merrily trudging on their way.

Now, I am not saying that if you work hard nothing bad will happen to you. Shit. Bad things happen to people all the time, whether they are willing to take the bull by the horns or not. It is all part of the learning curve. As much as it sometimes sucks to pick yourself up, lick your wounds, and dust yourself off, at least next time you will know not to run into the pointy end of the bull. Life is nothing more than the collection of what you have learned before you die, and applying it in whatever way will benefit you and the people around you the most.

Ok, Still with me? One more step. The willingness to work ethic pushes out in ways that are incomprehensible to many people. Let’s take emotional attachment. Relationships between people (and I’m not just talking about marriage here folks) takes work. Hand in hand with our ability to get along with one another, we also as a race know how to piss each other off. Sometimes we’re justified in being pissed, and sometimes we’re not, but the trick is to evaluate if this is worth ending any kind of relationship over. Shit happens and sometimes the end is for the best, but won’t you feel silly if five years down the road you’re busy regretting the decision that you made and a simple “let’s talk about this”, could have saved it? More often than not, by the time your regret it, it’s too late.

So, what does all this propaganda mean? Damned if I know. I’m just saying that you should not be afraid to roll up your sleeves and get dirty. Anything worth having is worth working for. I guess if you’re looking for a point, it might as well be this. You can beat two birds with one bush, but only horses can make you drink.

Stop. Take a deep breath and slowly, languidly take a look around. Crack a smile to get the endorphins flowing. There, isn’t that better. This is something that everyone should do once at least once a day. The reason for this little tirade all stems from an experience at the coffee shop drive through this morning on the way to work. I’ll go into detail about that later, but for the time being, let’s all relax and enjoy life for a couple of seconds. Amazing isn’t it. Take 10 seconds out of the hustle and bustle of the work a day world and things look a little brighter. Do this every day and you start to see the beauty in the smallest, stupidest things. Trust me, it works.

I’m driving to work in my usual half awake – half asleep manner this morning, a smoke hanging out of the side of my face, juggling my Blackberry and the MP3 player which always insists on crashing just as I hit the expressway, and valiantly try to shake enough of the sleep out of my head so I can appear to be somewhat awake when I walk into the office.

I should point out that I am not a graceful riser in the morning. Dawn breaks through my bedroom window and has to pummel me awake every morning. The left wing radio announcer on my radio always brings me out of the slumber with some biting commentary on whatever the hot button of the day is. Whether it’s the political up rage in some shit splat country I’ve never heard of, or a newspaper article about Aunt Ethel running a brothel in mid suburbia, it helps to bring me up to at least the zombie level. One thing I give the morning leftist, he is passionate. You can almost see the spit flying from his mouth. This morning he was ranting about how the town should pass a law not allowing anyone with a sexual charge against them to be allowed to live here. Imagine if you will, in the best John Wayne persona you can impersonate in your head “This town ain’t big enough for the both of us, Pilgrim”, at which point the Duke pulls out a portable hand cannon and starts blowing away all the baddies as far as the eye can see. Problem is, now that the duke has killed all the criminal perv’s, he’s run out of targets. That’s ok; there are a few smut shops around. Best get rid of them too. Stop…Take a deep breath…

I pull into the drive through, mutter something into the microphone that sounds not entirely unlike “Two extra large double-double’s” and wait for the idiot in front of me who just couldn’t pass on ordering the 14 sandwiches for the next two weeks worth of lunch. When he does get to the window, I cringe in horror knowing my coffee is now going to be ten minutes longer as he begins the conversation with the window girl. All of these conversations start the same way too. “Sorry for ordering so much, but (interject whatever you want from this point on) I can’t come by later to get my lunch because I’m locked in meetings, and then I have to go nurse my sick cow on my lunch break, and she’ll only drink goats milk, so I have to go to Spain to find the right farmer, who only accepts peanut shells from Zimbabwe as payment, so with all the flight time and peanut eating you can see why I have to make everyone else in this line late for work.”

I need coffee to survive. They should have a separate line in the drive through just for people who feel like talking. That way we all get what we want. I get coffee and lonely guy gets a 10 minute friend.

I get up to the window and make the early morning grimace that only we people who fight to wake up can make. It’s a wonderful expression that manages to convey the fact that I really do appreciate you making me a coffee and all, but please don’t talk to me because my head is still on my pillow listening to the morning rant of a left wing announcer and I wouldn’t respond with anything that would make sense to either of us. As the first cup of mother’s milk is being passed out the window to me I go to grab it and notice the lid isn’t on there quite right…it looks like it isn’t on there all the way…the hot coffee is starting to flow over the top, and as soon as I have it in my hand, the coffee proceeds to pour straight down into my lap. Now, this is the important part. Time fractured for a couple of seconds this morning, in which the two paths were laid in front of me, but I had to choose wisely. As time stopped, I seen the “yelling at the girl in the window” path, and the “It’s ok, shit happens” path. I regularly forget how old I am but for that fraction of a second the brain was revving at 70000RPM showing the fallout from path number one. The human brain always amazes me at how it can prioritize importance versus repetition. I opted for the shit happens path, we both had a laugh, and I drove away.

Ok, the important bit doesn’t seem that significant until you look at it again. I have seen people balling out those minimum wage, dreamy eyed girls in the morning for an honest to goodness mistake, and you can bet that she is going to carry that around for a while. We all have to start somewhere, and by yelling and screaming at her, you aren’t going to feel any better (unless you are that shallow of a bitter asshole), and you can bet that she is going to be distraught all day because of it. For that fraction of a second, Stop, breathe and think about what you are going to do. Everyone will be better off if you do.

Or to paraphrase this entire entry, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and if you’re one of those people who read the end of the book first, to paraphrase Stephen Wright, the zebra did it.

So, the first entry in the blog…I imagine more often than not people try to have that stand out, monumental first entry. I think this is not going to be one of them. I’m more of a stream of consciousness kind of guy when I write. Besides, things stay truthful that way. I’m sure as the entries go on, there will be embellishments to old anecdotes in an effort to re-write history in the way I see fit, but being the first entry it’s best not extrapolate too far…On to the real first entry.

I’m watching TV last night and seen a commercial that I’ve never seen before. Usually I’m channel surfing for a bit of nudity, or some interesting tidbit on CNN during commercials, but something told me I should watch this one. It was about a new mouse trap. For years people have been trying to build the better mouse trap and this company thinks they have it. The D-Con covered mouse trap. The whole premise of this thing is the mouse crawls into this little plastic box thinking that the food it smells is a dropped piece of manna, when in reality the morsel, while pleasant tasting, causes severe hemorrhaging and eventually kills the mouse. A little door slides down while the mouse is inside to prevent any attempted escapes and unfortunate messes. In itself, it’s not that deplorable. People have been poisoning “Pests” for years. The deplorable part of this is the taglines which they use to sell it. Their selling feature is “You don’t have to touch the mouse, or even see it!” at which point a beautifully manicured hand of some 18 year old hopeful starlet reaches down and gently lifts the box to dispose of it (being careful not to cover the brand name on the box of course). The entire voice over of the commercial is done by a demographically tested female voice guaranteed not to offend. It’s a voice that could pass for that of a therapist, or perhaps a late night escort.

Now, I’m all for not touching a plague ridden, flea infested creature, but the not seeing it is the part that got to me. My whole beef with the thing is, if you are willing to kill a breathing, walking, eating and shitting thing, at least have the spine to look at what you’ve done. It’s nothing more than the absolution of guilt in taking a life. Not that I’m a flag waving member of PETA that will only eat grass and wear the wool of sheep that has naturally dropped of it so as not to cause discomfort, but there should be some rules about this kind of thing. If you kill something, face up to the fact that you took a life, and it’s not a very pretty thing to look at.

Where I come from, certain year’s deer are considered to be pests as well. What I’m waiting for is some huge box with whatever deer eat stuffed into the back of it so they can be lured in, and then butchered by the Hack-o-Matic 5000 which deploys from the top and leaves you with 100 pounds of deer meat, it’s head nailed to a plaque so you can mount it in the den, and a nice throw rug to boot. Do you think people would stand for this? “Mommy, why are Bambi and his Mom wandering into that big black box?” Ask any hunter what death is like. They’ll usually tell you all the gruesome details if you ask nice. At least Joe in his flannel shirt with his 12 gauge gets his hands dirty and realizes what he did. I am not pro or anti-hunting in any way, but Joe can own up to the fact that he did kill something and he’s responsible. We, as a race, kill things. It’s in our natures. At least own up to the fact that you did it, realize the finality of it and move on.

Oops, that came out a little more cynical than was intended. The whole point I’m trying to make with this is we have to stop blinding ourselves with things we don’t want to see. Too many people walk through life blind and don’t realize it. If you’re going to kill the mouse, use Grandpa’s old mouse trap that’ll take your finger off if you do it wrong and leave you with all of the gory details to clean up later, or better yet, grab a shovel and chase the thing around your house like a madman (or woman, which ever you may be). Pretend that you are some suburban tribe leader trying to impress your followers and try to splat the thing against your wall like a fly on the windshield. It may just put things into perspective.

Of Mice and Men, slightly skewed, fairly distorted, and hopefully warped just enough to be appealing.