The End of the Whole Mess

All good tales start with "Once upon a Time". Seeing that we are at the end of the year, I figure it's time for a tale. Lets pretend that the last year was nothing more than a really screwed up story that was barely good enough for a made for TV movie and go forward from there. We're going to tell the tale of a person who got to experience all the bullshit he seen many of his friends go through that he thought would never get to experience. Not necessarily what you would call a set of great experiences, but they all go into the library to study and learn from over time. Let's see what we can sum up from the past year of bullshit, and where it's going to lead this fellow at the dawn of 2006. Here comes the standard disclaimer. This is not supposed to come out as a exercise in self pity, or even as some moralistic tale that anyone is supposed to learn anything from. Just the purging of a year of completely unexpected and strange circumstances that will mold and change this fellow's life in a very unique way.

Once upon a time there was a fellow who thought he was in a content and fulfilling place. Married for a few years, living in a large house, driving an expensive car and holding down a job that he enjoyed quite a bit. A common enough existence for one who has just bridged the 30 year gap. One fateful day in June he came home from work to learn that his marriage was over, the expensive house was no longer his, and he had stepped back to the age of eighteen having to find a place to live. He managed to rise to the occasion, found somewhere to live and get the hell out of where he was. It was not an easy process and more than once he found himself in a very rough spot, but managed to hike up his socks and get it done. He and a collection of friends got everything into the new place and the growing began. Not to say there wasn't a lot of growing pains, because there were, but eventually he dug himself out of the hole that he was put into and rediscovered the person that he used to be, albeit an older and slightly more mature version of himself at twenty. Very slightly. There were two paths lying in front of this fellow. We have all seen these two paths in our family and friends. One of these paths is filled with regret and bitterness, and the other is a path of self reflection and learning to live life for what it is. This fellow made the conscious effort to take the second and become a better person than what he was before the whole ordeal. Not to say that there aren't moments when he slips onto path number one and turns into a righteous bastard, but most of the time he stays positive and honestly believes that life can only get better from here. Sometimes it requires a push, but he always gets back to enjoying the moment and tries to make life more enjoyable for himself and the important people in his life around him.

Whew...That was quite the line of shit. Retrospectives in third person suck. Anyhow, I've learned quite a few things over the past year. You do learn who your friends truly are when you go through a traumatic, life altering experience, and I've learned that there are many people in my life who give a shit. It's one of those things that you always think is true, but it's nice have it proven to you. You also learn who you thought were friends, but actually aren't. Thankfully it was a small list in my situation that fell into the second category. This is the official thanks to everyone in the first list. You all know who you are.

So, what else have I learned...Life is entirely what you make of it. I always sort of had this in the back of my head, but never really lived it until now. Given the bullshit of the past year I can now see how low my life can sink, and yet I managed to turn around and appreciate the beauty of life in everything around me. Like I wrote in a past entry, it's like a blindfold was lifted from my eyes and I could see the world for what it was. That's not to say that everything was shit up to that day in June. I still carry around the good things from that period in my life, but now I can see what was important and use that to become a better person now. I'm not going to be bitter about it. As much as the end truly did suck balls, the journey was not horrible. It would be very easy for bitterman to take over and hate everything, but it's just not worth it. Life is too short to be bitchy and angry all the time.

There are probably more things I've learned, but it's not coming to me right now. The next year is going to be interesting. I've never really put much faith in the whole New Years, life renewing bullshit, but I think it's actually true this year. It's only true this year because I want it to be. Tonight will be the last of digging up the old shit. Onto the new shit. I think the new year is going to be one of a fairly fatalistic nature. Not all the bad points of living that way, but it's time to embrace the credo of "Tomorrow may never come, so live life to it's fullest today". There are some things that I have to take care of at the start of the new year to get me going down that path. I'm not going to tell you what they are, but you may get to read about them in future entries.

Don't worry readers, this entry was a one shot. Normally I don't write about stuff like this, but being year end I figure some kind of monumental entry was necessary. Call it therapy, or just wanting to start the new year off with a clean slate, but what's done is done. I'll be back to my usual sarcastic, sometimes witty self in 2006.

As the clock strikes midnight tonight, remember who you are, and take that with you into the new year. Be the person who you want to be, and not the person everyone expects you to be. Life is an amazing thing. Don't stand by and let it pass you by. Make things happen for yourself and don't let all the bullshit get you down.

I'm going to close off this entry by quoting one of my favorite authors. Mr. Douglas Noel Adams. It's a quote that isn't really related to this entry in the context of why and where it was written, but can be adapted to fit.

"Share and Enjoy"

Stupid Like a Fox, We're Just Hired Geeks

Here is another one of those silly entries where I'm going to go on about how my life can be used as an example for everyone else’s. Don't worry. It's not going to come out preachy or anything, just more observational shit in retrospect about what I've done, and what you can either learn from, or avoid entirely. When it comes to some of the shit that I have experienced, avoidance is sometimes the better policy. All goes back to learning from other people’s mistakes. Sometimes we have to make our own in order to mature and grow (yeah right...Mature...Hrmpphh), and other times it's just better to stop and listen for a couple of minutes to make sure you aren't going to fall over the cliff as you are running blindly forward. I think since another year is almost over, it is causing a retrospective kind of entry, that and the fact I'm going to the shindig of the year tonight and may have to spend the next week making apologies. All for the betterment of mankind I say.

I have come up with the two paths to the start of relationships (this does not include the meaningless one night/weekend flings). Over the course of the odd thirty years (call it 15 or so of relationship time), I can follow every relationship I've ever had to one of two start points. The first is meeting someone and instant sparks fly. I'm talking about a forest fire of biblical proportions originating somewhere below the equator. If you haven't ever experienced this kind of thing, make sure you do before you die. It's like a ride on a roller coaster...Unbelievably fun while it lasts, and here's the rub, the ride doesn't usually last that long. The pitfall in this one is getting too attached to someone in one of these relationships. Don't misunderstand, I have known couples that have stayed together with a fiery start like this, but usually the fire burns out fast. The candle that burns brightest also burns quickest. It is a blast while you are there, but coming down is a bitch.

The other side of the coin is the very slow, calm and steady start. These ones are where you spend time becoming close friends with the person before any kind of romantic contact whatsoever. These are the ones that usually last and mean the most in the long run. I'd say that in my life I've had at least two, maybe three of these kinds of relationships. For the two that I am sure of, I knew the one for just under a year, and the other for over two years. The third was just around the four to six month mark or so. All of these were just as intense as the first kind, but it was more of a smoldering heat that took time to turn into a fire, which can be very rewarding. I've always found that these are the ones that last a very long time and create the most emotional attachment. I've always leaned towards this kind of relationship. There is a time and a place for quick and dirty relationships, but I think this is what most people are looking for. Besides, there is nothing worse than ending up in a relationship with someone where you have either nothing in common, or you genuinely dislike them. It has been known to happen.

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One thing I should mention. In the second kind of situation for a relationship startup, when the spark does fly, it can be completely unexpected. It can be with someone who you never even really thought of being in a relationshippy kind of place with. It's a strange thing. From something as simple as a conversation, or an innocent touch the spark can jump, and let me tell you, it's like a lightning bolt to the groin. It will knock you on your a$$. I've experienced this twice, and it's quite the experience. Anyhow, back to our regularly scheduled program.
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Ok. Enough of the serious stuff. Tonight is the official New Years Eve Eve party. It's going to be a fall over, get stupid, no walking, no talking, just mumbling in the kitchen kind of party. I've already decided that this is going to be my New Years Eve for 2005. I imagine I will be sitting at home tomorrow nursing my ever growing headache and trying to hold down toast. I have to drink something at midnight though. Told someone I would have a drink for them, and I can't back out of it. Jefe and I have already decided that this going to be a very harsh night of drinking...One of those "I remember getting there, but everything kind of got muddy after that". We'll see what adventures we have in store. I'm going to bring out the camera just so I don't have the black holes that plagued me after the Xmas party. I can live without experiencing that again.

Before I sign off for the day, Thx to LJ for hosting the NYEE. A good time will be had by all. Now I'm off to smoke a Monte Cristo #4 and have a big plate of pasta in preparation for tonight. Adieu.

How to Annoy Everyone with Inane Conversation

To make up for today's short entry I decided to leave everyone with a few stupid ideas to talk about next time you are either a) drunk, and in the right company or b) hurting for conversation and wrapped up in uncomfortable silence. I should state that I neither believe nor endorse any of the ideas that may come up from using following ideas for conversation. Any of this shit that may come back to haunt me will be strongly denied in the future in the right situations.

When you are asleep and dreaming, are your dreams just in your head or is your (interject whatever term you are comfortable with such as spirit, chi, psychic energy) astral voyaging and experiencing things at another dimensional level, and are you actually interacting with other peoples voyages?

The 3 wishes thing from the past entry called "The chase is always better than the catch" from Nov 30/05.

Is the wanting to be with someone in a relationship, a) a conditioned response to what is expected of us by our peers b) one of the most elaborate marketing schemes c) a genuine need for companionship d) a biological level response ingrained for breeding or e) something to do because you are bored. The second part of this would be, if you are not in a relationship, is it possible to feel as complete by yourself as with someone else?

Can communism survive and prosper given the right situation, and lack of power corruption that is the perpetual failing of the idea?

Can democracy work at the level that we expect it to, if the removal of the corruption in the system could take place?

Monogamy or Polygamy?

Should drugs be legalized, and to what degree (what drugs, private or government control, etc.)?

What can we do to fix the education system in whatever country you live in, and how would you try to accomplish it?

How do you think your life would have turned out if you married the person you lost your virginity too?

Is god a) an omnipotent benevolent power b) a scientist c) a practical joker or d) non-existent?

Was Edgar Allen Poe right when he said that we are currently living in hell and waiting for the next round so we can go back to life and try to get into heaven again?

Was (interject which ever one you want) war necessary?

Where was the most interesting place that you have ever had sex, and have you ever been caught doing it? How did you react and what did you do to talk your way out of it?

If time travel was possible, where would you go and what would you do? Secondly, what effect would whatever you did have on the world?

You are allowed to host a dinner with three guests along with yourself and/or your significant other. The three guests can be from any time period and can be alive or dead. You cannot invite fictional characters. Who would they be?

If you could change any one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I have a whole bunch more, and they may appear in a later entry if I can't come up with a topic, feel like apologizing for a lackluster entry, or if I feel like it. Be careful with some of them. The religion and political ones can cause some pretty heated conversations that, if in the wrong surroundings, can go south really quick. These are two of the three topics that can cause a fight to break out in the wrong company. Any of the ones relating to sex can cause some surprising results if you and whoever you are talking to are drunk...as well, they can silence a complete group of people if in the wrong company. Use them at your own discretion, but please share any of the interesting results.

It's all over but the Crying and Ham is not the same as Heroin

The end of another Xmas season is upon us, and for one, all I can say is thank the deity that you currently worship. Not that it was a bad Xmas, as far as Xmas's go, but it's one more out of the way, and life can return to normal. As much as I appreciate the few days off of work I get every year, it would be a lot better without all the xmas BS. Enough from Bitterman for today (he still needs a theme by the way...Dream Weaver?). Onward to better things.

Since the season is over and I've packed on the holiday weight, it's time for some motivation. I'm sitting in my living room this boxing day writing a Blog entry with Supersize Me playing in the background. If you have not seen this film, make it a priority. This has to be one of the rare movies that really spoke to me. After watching it the first time, I swore off of all fast food and junk food. It's actually a very humorous film, with a very serious point, and I figure this would kick me back into the mindset to ditch the few pounds I've put on over the past few days. We'll see, I still have a chunk of birthday cake in the fridge to eat. The sick part is, since it's near the beginning of the film, I'm now craving fast food. What a twisted thought process...Or I'm just getting hungry. Good, just got to the scene where Morgan Spurlock eats the first supersized meal and yakks. Don't want fast food anymore.

Another Birthday gone. Woot Woot. That's the thing about birthdays, and I always heard this growing up but never believed it then, but it's true. Birthdays don't mean shit when you get older. I don't know when the change happens, but it does to everyone. I think it hit me around 20 or so. Now that I am substantially older that 20, it means even less. Only pisser this year is I wasn't able to locate a 360. That was to be my Xmas/Bday gift for myself, but I'm not going to pay the ebay pricing and get gouged for it. It's just a game console and I can wait (hopefully) until the stock starts picking up in the stores. It's like any new toy on the market. I end up hyping over getting one, finally give in to my addiction and buy one, play it for a little while, then get bored of it and find something else to fixate on. As I write this I'm looking at the PSP that is sitting on the end table beside me. Very cool little toy, but I've barely used it. I figured out all the exploits and now it's boring. It's more about what else you can do with the consoles, at least for me. Need something else to do with it to rejuvenate the interest. More PSP Pr0n maybe.

This is going to be a short entry. The movie in the background is distracting me too much and I'm not concentrating on what I'm writing. Counting down the days until the New Year's Eve Eve party. I'm sure that one is going to be a 3 day hangover kind of party.

極小切り株と性交した, molto piccolo ha scopato un ceppo, minúsculo cogió un tocón

There you go CG. Got your wish.

I wrote in a past entry that Alcohol was the great equalizer of men. I think I'd like to ratify that statement. I failed to mention in my last entry that there is one more place where males have epiphanies, and that is while we're driving. It must be something with the music, the sound of the tires on the road, and the monotony, but it's very conductive to free form thought. Today being Xmas Eve getting my morning coffee was a small challenge. Also adding to the challenge was that my morning coffee was at 3:00 this afternoon. It was a late night last night, but I'll go into that later. Anyhow, after 3 or 4 Tim Hortons I finally found one that was open. Unfortunately everyone else in town had found the one open timmies as well. So I'm sitting in the drive through with thirty five of my new found friends (because we all know, I can't get out of my car), chatting with CG, Newtie and Rome on my Blackberry when it hits me. It wouldn't matter if I made $7000, $70000 or $7000000 last year, I would still be sitting in this friggin Tim Hortons Drive through waiting for my turn to order my overpriced coffee. We are all victims to our cravings, and no matter what you are worth, that won't change.

Last night was the official festivus celebrations. I went over at CG's house and played SSX3 before the drink fest began. Originally we were going to go out to grab some dinner, but we ended up playing for way too long, ordered a pizza for dinner instead, and eventually made our way to the drinking hole where we were meeting Rome and LJ (sorry, haven't come up with a Nic for you yet). I wasn't feeling too shit hot last night, so I volunteered to be the DD. Probably for the best anyways. With the amount that I know that I will be drinking over the next week, my liver could probably use some extra prep time. We hung out at this little club downtown. Besides the horrible music, it was a pretty cool place for a watering hole. I sat there watching everyone getting tanked, and for one of the rare times in my life it didn't irk me that I wasn't drinking. It's not that it bugs me to not get drunk, but hanging around drunks usually get on my nerves, but last night it wasn't bugging me. After a few hours of hanging out I took CG home and that was that. One last thing to mention about last night, and I don't mean anything derogatory but this statement, I think it actually amusing and endearing, but CG gets a little OCD when she's drunk. I guess she has a small issue with her lesbian neighbors and there little rat like dog thing that pisses all over her lawn, so last night at three in the morning, CG was out there with the hose cleaning off the lawn, drive way, with a gratuitous amount of water getting on the lesbians car and front door. And now for the statement I've been waiting to write since I started this paragraph, when she was all done, I got to hold Cute Grrl's hose while she stopped the waterworks. How's that for innuendo? The absolute last thing to mention in this paragraph. This is not the first time I've seen a lesbian couple, but for the record, damn, they sure don't look like they do in the movies. More flannel than a lumberjack camp. Some one lied to me.

Last bit to write about today. A couple of random thoughts that have jumped into my head. I caught a pro-literacy campaign commercial today that absolutely floored me. Not the topic per se, but how they handled it. The tag line was "If you have problems reading and writing, Look under "learn" in the yellow pages". Anyone else see the fallacy in this statement? Last random thought. Why in action films, does no one ever have to use the washroom? If I was going through what they were, I'm pretty sure it would either be find a washroom or piss myself. Just a thought.

May you celebrate the season in what ever way you find fit. I personally will be finding a corner to hide in until it is all over, and drinking whiskey. Lots of whiskey. Happy chistmaqunazika.

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One last thing to mention inline with random thoughts. Just re-watched "Broken Arrow" I don't know what I was on when I watched it the first time ten years ago. I seemed to remember it being a half descent film. What a stinking, fetid, steaming, piece of dog shit film. I should have watched it on mute just for the scenes with Samantha Mathis. She was about the only thing salvageable from the film, but not for any reason associated with the movie.

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Have I mentioned I hate Christmas? Well, just for the record, I loathe Christmas.

Christmas Lei's, Harpoon Tang and the Little Man in the Boat.

As we get closer to Xmas every day I'm realizing how much more foul everyone is getting, myself included. It's interesting that as we near one of the "happiest" days of the year people get pissier and pissier. I don't know if it's because of stress, or just general dis-contentedness, but things are definitely getting nastier, and I think that's one of the premises of this entry. I have no real reason to be in a foul mood, but nonetheless I've been in one for most of this week, and today seems to be the pinnacle of the experience. And I'm aware that the title has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this entry. Much like the price of kumquats in Zimbabwe. What?

I don't think I was at work for more than 3 minutes before I was getting gang-banged by people. Apparently the entire network went down 5 minutes before I got in this morning. As I mentioned in a past entry, I am not a graceful waker in the morning. Most mornings when I get in the office I'm still mostly asleep. So, I got a bunch of people around me trying to get an answer about what happened, and I'm still pretty much extracting my head from my pillow. Always a good thing right away in the morning. I'm not going to go on about what happened, and to make a long story short, someone plugged in something to my network that they shouldn't have. Three hours later we had everything working again. By the way, when I catch the person who did plug in the mystery device, someone's going to have to come bail me out because I'm breaking some fingers.

The day was moving along ok, other than missing one of the paid lunches of the year because I was too busy chasing a ghost out of the machine, when the reality dawned on me. I had to do some Xmas shopping tonight. If there is one thing that I really, really loathe, it's Xmas shopping. I went over the details of why in the last entry, but you can't very well boycott buying gifts, as much as I would love too. The silver lining I suppose is thanks to a separation/divorce there are much less gifts to buy this year. Not much of a silver lining, but I suppose it's one. I'm looking for anything good about Xmas this year. I'm determined to find something this year damnit.

I get home after work, made a very sparse dinner and busied myself by trying to make excuses of why I couldn't go Xmas shopping tonight. I ended up thinking myself into a nap instead. I woke up around eight and got motoring to join all the sheep. It amazes me that to pick up one gift, from a store less than ten minutes from my house took over an hour. Bitterman needs a theme I think. I'm open for suggestions folks. After finishing up most of my shopping I ended up back at my house and played guitar for a couple of hours before deciding to write up an entry. I was invited out to a card game tonight, but after shopping, I didn't think I was in the right mindset to play cards. Found out that Rome won from Cute Grrl anyways, so good for him. He's been down for a while, so he needed to win. One last thing to mention. Angry road ragin Moloquin is back this Xmas. He's swearing and cursing and throwing single finger salutes at anyone and everyone doing anything stupid on the road. He's fun.

I don't think I came up with any conclusion for the pissy mood in this entry...other than just good ole Xmas blahs. Maybe next year I'll boycott it. Or, how about this for an idea. Take all the $$$ you would spend on everybody else and buy something for yourself. Hello Xbox 360. Sounds pretty self absorbed and greedy, but if we all bought something we truly wanted for ourselves, it would probably make everyone feel a lot better. Then we would just buy gifts for people when we genuinely wanted to. See the trend here? Everyone would be happier, we'd get what we want, people would get gifts when they deserved them, and all the mass marketing assholes would go under. I don't see the bad side here people.

I have to go see "The Ringer". It has to be one of the most offensive idea's ever written, and looks like it will be unbelievably hilarious, for people of no morales at least. I'm so glad I fall into that category when it comes to entertainment. Funny is funny period. Screw political correctness.

Looks like I deviated from whatever the thought process was behind this entry. I'm not even too sure what the point was. Damnit. I knew I had one when I started. Crap. I dunno. Let's say the point is avoid anything that starts with the line “Christmas Lei's, Harpoon Tang and the Little Man in the Boat.” Sorry for the meaningless entry folks. Can't hit gold everytime.

Nutbuckets, Snow, Christmas Trees, and a Bunch of Other $hit.

Bah Humbug. Good got that out of the way. As you can probably tell, this may be a little more bitter of an entry than normal. I'm trying to not let bitter man take over. Tis the season. Anyhow, a strange thing happened a work today. I got a request for what to write about from one of my co-workers. He mentioned that he was reading my Blog and couldn't believe that I hadn't written about the NutBuckets. I'll write about that in a little bit, but first it caused an interesting reaction in me. Firstly, I've known for a while that my Blog is starting to pick up a small audience, but hearing it so directly was very cool. Ego stroking is always appreciated. Secondly, it was a small bit of pride. I've always written. It's something that has always come very naturally to me, and to actually have an audience that enjoys reading my bullshit means that it wasn't all in my head...Thank you guys and gals...Now maybe the voices will go away before I turn into some Hunter S. Thompson-esque guy living in a cabin, talking to myself, and collecting guns. All good, all good, all you guys shut up in there, I don't need you anymore, I have a real audience...

This is for you Newtieman,

The NutBucket. Oh Lovely Nutbucket, how we love you, let me count the ways. I normally don't write about my job that much (fixing networks/computers is only exciting to other people who fix networks/computers) but I will be giving somewhat of a shout out to my job. My job is cool. For the most part I enjoy my job. The people I work with are awesome, but every year for the past four years running, we get the same Christmas gift (I will not call it a bonus). We get a Nutbucket. It's a selection of nuts, nuts and more nuts. Chip nuts, peanuts, chocolate clusters with nuts, peanut brittle, etc, etc, etc, all wrapped up in some sort of a bucket. It doesn't sound that bad, until you get them four years in a row. Thank you for your XX years of service and hard work, Here's a bucket of nuts. The question that has been posed a couple of times is, what if you are allergic to nuts? I know, pretty far fetched. Nut allergies? They don't exist in real life, do they? Wow, sarcasm is tough in a blog. So we all get our nutbucket last night. They hand them out at night so they don't have to see the look on all of our faces, but we happened to be there fixing something late. So, one of the bean counters round the corner with a couple of nutbuckets for me and my co-worker, and you'd swear that the bean counter had just walked down the wrong alley in New York with a couple of guys with mohawks and 45's lying in wait. First the look of shock, then the nervous laugh, then a couple of nutbuckets are dropped on our desks with a bean counter running away. I didn't know if I was going to laugh, or just start pissing and moaning. The laughing eventually won. I'd like to say I expected something else, but I didn't, so now I'm burning my dinner, writing an entry, and eating chipnuts. Yum.

I have never been a big fan of Xmas. As far back as I can remember I've never enjoyed it a whole lot. Before any armchair quarterbacking happens, as a kid my parents were awesome about Xmas, but I just never got it. There are a couple of reasons that I believe made me feel that way. One, the birthday. I was born on Xmas Day. Now, not a big deal. As a kid it was not a good time. Shit. It's hard enough to remember birthdays without the MF'er of holidays thrown on top. Merry Christmas all, shit it's your birthday, here's a mars bar I picked up in the gas station on the way. Sheeeit. Like I said, it's not a big deal now as I am at the age where all that birthdays mean is you get to have a couple of drinks after dinner (and get laid if you are with someone. Damnit. Sigh.). The thing that bugs me about Christmas now is the expectation of gifts. I have always been the kind of guy who will just give people presents when I feel like it. I enjoy the reaction that I get from people when I give somebody something when they are not expecting it. I do not like being expected to give gifts just because it is either a) expected of me due to mass marketing, or b) I have to give a gift to someone because a nice guy who eventually got nailed to a tree was born. If said nice guy existed, do you thing we should be materialistic on the day of his birth? Thank you DNA for the obvious homage. In a nutshell, if it's expected, how can it mean anything? Any gift you give should come from a genuine want to give a gift, not because the cyclopean idiot box told you too.

Which leads me to another thing that has been pissing me off for a while. Almost entirely, but not completely, unrelated. When I started this Blog I thought I could get away with asking questions anonymously and people would answer them, but instead I'm going to ask a question that has been bugging me for years. I really want an answer to this one, if there is one. Guys, you cannot answer this one, but you can ask your significant other for their input. The question is, "When is a nice guy too nice?" Arrrggh. That didn't come out right. Shit. Words in head don't match the words on paper. The thing that brings this up is self-reflection. As a younger man I was a shit disturber...Long haired, pissed off at the world, musician, into just about everything, and this lead to a certain amount of action, but not anything meaningful. At some point I changed my outlook and became the nice guy. I liked that person a lot more, and eventually got married for a while, but now that I'm playing the game again (damnit damnit damnit), the nice guy thing is different. It seems that there is a point where nice guy makes a great friend, but not anything else significant (except to people who are already hooked up. Want to talk about an oxymoron, there you go...The only interest comes from attached women, and being a nice guy, you don't act on it...how confusing is that?). Anyhow, any ideas here people? Maybe it's just one of those things that just aren't answerable. I suppose there is an answer somewhere in the mess, but I'll be damned if I can find it. Maybe I'm just looking too deep into the well of life. Or maybe I'm just full of shit and I've asked a rhetorical question. As much as I like being told that I'm a super nice guy, and how awesome I am, ego alone can't take care of everything. Damnit. Enough. Wankel Rotary Engine.

In closing, Xmas bad, Nutbuckets bad, birthdays bad. Xbox360 Good. Guitars good. Beer Good. Too Much Beer Bad, very bad.

Merry Farking Xmas.

32 Going on 20

(If you are link following from Alex's page go down to Tits for Tots, and Other Things I'm Going to get in Trouble for. Otherwise read on)

Like most males, I have most of my epiphanies and good ideas at the most inopportune times. This is usually while I am in the shower or in the washroom. I don't know what it is about these two activities, but ask any male and they will probably tell you the same thing. Uh-oh. I think I let out a gender secret here. Anyhow, my epiphany. There are a whole bunch of similarities between the bachelor at 20 and the bachelor at 32. The difference is all in the subtleties.

All bachelors have a grand collection of condiments in their refrigerator. This does not change with age. Even at 32 I have quite the collection in my refrigerator. The difference is they are brand name now. I can afford real stuff rather than the no name crap. I even occasionally use them. A close neighbor to the condiment rule is the spice rule. At both ages the male will have some spices, but the number usually increases with age. At twenty you will usually have salt and pepper. The rare male will have something like chili powder at twenty. By the time you are over thirty, whether a newly born bachelor or a seasoned one, you will have quite the collection containing garlic, oregano, paprika, nutmeg, etc, etc, etc. I personally believe this is because the older male learns that cooking is a very useful right of passage in dating. The reason we have the spices is because most of us have actually learned how to cook by now and try (read try) to use it in the process of getting laid. The majority of us are also very, very bored of Kraft Dinner so we learned to cook at some point. There is only so much KD, Pizza, and take away that we can eat.

If you look in the fridge under the fourteen bread bags with only the crusts in them you will usually find beer. The older bachelor usually has a selection of flavors of beer so his guest(s) have a choice in flavor. There's also a bottle or two in the mix as well. Usually some generic liquor (rum, rye, vodka, etc) and something different (sambucca, ouzo, goldschlager, Saki, etc). The younger bachelor has one flavor of beer, usually canadian or blue if you are in Canada, and no liquor bottles. You're actually pretty lucky if you can find more than three or four bottles of beer in there. Both bachelors will have a selection of pint glasses. If the elder bachelor has gone through a separation or divorce, the pint glasses will be spanking new, as all of the original, stolen from pub collection, was thrown out by the X and the new found bachelor has gone out and bought them cause we don't have the time, energy, or stones to go out and steal more. Back in the attic bitter man.

I think the biggest difference is the elder bachelor actually keeps his home clean (again, all about getting laid. Nobody wants to have sex for the first time with someone in a pigsty). It's all about learned conditioning. We do learn slowly. It just takes time.

Completely off topic, sort of. The single male usually has no use for Christmas whatsoever. Especially the divorced/separated male. I think I found the one redeeming thing about Christmas for the bachelor. The Cycle of Poo. Mr Hankey makes Xmas all worth while.

I was going to let bitter man take over for a while and write about being single at Xmas, but that's not going to benefit anyone. Especially myself. I can say one thing. Dating at 32 isn't very different than dating at 20. Good thing about dating at 32 is the confidence is there that never existed at 20. Bad things...Well...damn. Pick a number from the list. One of the things that really bite you in the ass when you are older is moral's. At 20 you will take advantage of anything to get laid. At 32 nice guy takes over and you feel guilty even thinking of taking advantage. The only other one I'm going to talk about is the fact the newborn bachelor never thought that they would be dating again in their life. All of the dating info has long since fallen out or the bowl and has to be relearned, and yes, it does suck just as much the second time around. Bah. Humbug. Damn. Merry F@$&in Xmas.

I had way more points than this when I thought up the entry, but I've run out of steam. There was a point here too, but it fell off the train as well. Let's just call this one a reflection entry. Life in the mirror so to speak. Don't get me wrong, bitter man is not taking over, but occasionally he's allowed to manifest for an hour or so.

Here's some coming attractions...We got a birthday entry coming up. Could go either way...We'll see, and the other entry coming up is a review of the upcoming New Years Eve's Eve party. I think this one is going to be the shindig of the year. Better than New years eve, more fun than a stick in the eye, and more exciting than a kick to the Groin.

I'm the Poo of the antelope. Genius.

Tits for Tots, and Other Things I'm Going to get in Trouble for.

Here we are on Saturday night at 2:20 in the morning, and I'm writing a blog entry. Normally, Saturday nights are for other engaging activities, but at this time in the night, and after last nights activities, blog entry writing is probably a good idea, which brings us to the topic of this entry. Last night. Damn. When you are over 25 or so the heavy, every weekend getting blitzed drinking usually slows down or stops entirely, so we live for any excuse to really tie one on, and there is no better excuse than the corporate Christmas party.

Well, where to start. First things first. The Rules of the entry. I have always maintained a policy of anonymity on the web, and in order to protect the innocent, as well as the guilty, I have decided to keep the anonymity policy not only in place, but enforced. No one needs to know who did what with who, or when, or why for that matter (after last night I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who can fall into every category in the afore mentioned list). Secondly, there are not going to be any paragraphs about exact actions. Even with the anonymity policy in place, some things are unique enough to be identifiable by anyone who was there, or in the next party over, or the cops passing by, or by the strung out hooker on King street who I and HG ran into...oops...ok. No more actions will be defined. Thirdly, this is going to be a more observational kind of entry rather than a play by play. Human behavior has always fascinated me, and there is no better experiment than getting a diverse age group together, get them all tanked, and then have some one who was keeping up (or leading depending on where you were looking) document it a couple of days later.

Every year at the corporate Christmas party there is a target. Call it a sense of cruelty, bastardism, or just the art of self-preservation, but it has been something that has been carried on since I started the whole mess back 6 years ago. 6 years ago I got so drunk I couldn't walk, talk, stand, or move. Generally I made a huge ass out of myself, and have never been able to live it down. Since that time, we (all of the past torch-bearers) pick the target from the newbs at the company. There aren't any real hard and fast rules to the target, but the target has to have been there at least a year. This year there was an exception to the usual practice. The target picked themselves. Generally the target sits at the same table as a bunch of us malcontents, and seeing we had one seat free this year, we knew that who ever sat there was in a world of hurt. Without going into any more detail, the target lived up to the task, and took all the heat away from the rest of us drunkards.

The turnout this year was huge. And I think forty to fifty percent were smashed by 8:00. Generally a bad combination. Some highlights that I remember. Actually, I think I'm going to skip this part. Most of the highlights I do remember involve myself and someone else, or many somebody else's that will all have to be explained next Monday in the office. I hooked up with Cute Grrl today for some food and a movie, and between the two of us, we managed to come up with something that took about 30 seconds to happen. The trick here was it took us about ten minutes to come up with this 30 second blurb. I'm anxiously awaiting the return of the pictures. I'm hoping to fill in the blanks of the evening. Thankfully I don't think I'm the only one in this situation, and hopefully there wasn't anything too embarrassing done. I know there is one thing that is going to have to be explained come Monday. There was a dance that took place late in the evening. Myself and a good friend were sharing a dance. It was just a normal slow dance. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, except for the fact that all the end of the evening lights had already come on. Oh, and one other thing. There was no more music playing. The worst part is, there is no explanation other than the fact that we were both drunk. Damn. Alcohol is the great equalizer. Get everyone drunk and we all become babbling idiots.

I've been trying to figure how to either end this entry, or how to tell all the great stories without it turning into a 14 page entry. I think the best method is to just throw out a random jumble of things to keep in mind when tying one on at a corporate function.

Wearing a velvet sport coat to a corporate function will always cause some interesting actions. Adding alcohol makes it more interesting.

Sitting at the same table as someone of the opposite gender wearing velvet pants when you are wearing a velvet sport coat increases the interesting actions exponentially. Especially when it is completely unplanned.

If every time you look down you have a minimum of 2 drinks in your hands, you know you're in for a good time.

If dessert is immediately followed by a round of shooters, look out.

Smoking is an amorphous activity that will increase with alcohol. (yes I had a few cigarettes, no I did not go back to smoking. Still {relatively} smoke free, baby).

If you are newly divorced (or almost) at a corporate Christmas party, you will cause the craziest rumors to fly about. Especially if you hand out the information to anyone who asks (whoops...I'm got some 'splaining to do).

Even if you can barely stand, it's always better to be the protector rather than the aggressor. Nice guys finish last, but at least we can sleep at night and live with ourselves the next day.

Pr0n is not good dinner conversation...Unless you are at the same table as the IT Dept.

Piroetting across the dance floor is always a good idea. Doubly so in a velvet sport coat.

When everyone is drunk, even us silly white guys will pretend that we know how to dance. Never, ever, ever will this be attempted sober, unless she is really cute.

Find the place in your intoxication where you can still function, not make too big of an ass out of yourself, and keep yourself there. Don't go over the line, until you get to the after hours party.

When you get to the after hours party, and you round table the question asking when everyone lost their virginity, and everyone answers, you know it's going to be a good time.

Even if you are on the verge of hooking up, sometimes it's better to wait until everyone is sober. Even if the chemistry is there, alcohol can make you (or the other party) act without thinking and lead down the path of regret. See the notes about the nice guy. If it was meant to happen, let it happen when you are both sober.

If you have to ask someone what happened, chances are you really don't want to know anyways.

Live your life with no regrets, and you won't regret what you did the night before. If you will say it when you are drunk, you would have said it when you were sober, or at least you would have thought about saying it.

Damnit. I really do have some explaining to do on Monday.

>>>>>>>

Quick two point edit.

Most people would be embarassed about the things that I said during the christmas party. The trick to not being embarassed is to not worry about it. What's done is done, and by releasing the information that you may have been keeping cooped up inside, you should feel better. At least I do. Even though I said things that would normally have to be pried out of me, I feel better for having them out in the open. Although, I may be a bit of a masochist.

Second point, Congratulations go out to Obi and family on the birth of their little girl. All the best to you guys. And baby makes four.

Beauty is only Skin Deep, or Why I Hate the Media.

I'm going to try and keep control while I write this one, but this is a huge hot button for me. I've struggled with this for years. I absolutely loathe how the media portrays the portrait of what idyllic beauty is and how they try to make people feel horrible for not looking like the people on TV. As much as people try not to let this effect them, it does on some small level. I even look at myself, and I do think it has effected my outward appearance. Not in the way that it was supposed to, but more through an act of rebellion. Even thought I don't stand out in a crowd that much in my everyday work clothes, after work hours things change. The long sleeve shirts come off so I can show off all the ink, which in turn accents the hole in my ear I can put a cigarette through (guess I won't be doing that trick anymore since I quit smoking)...Sorry, I strayed from the point here. Didn't want this to turn into a "look at the freak with the ink" paragraph...Damnit. Onto the point.

Most women I have met in my life have been effected by the atrocious stereotyping of the media. Maybe this is because they are forced into what "idyllic beauty" is from the time most get their first toy. Gotta let everyone in on a secret. "Barbie" is physically impossible. She'd fall over. The point here is from the time that a girl starts playing with her first toys, the brainwashing has already started. This is the media's portrayal of what the perfect beauty should be. The force feeding and the brain washing continues throughout the developmental process until most females are trying to become this "perfect" person, rebelling against it, or are physically damaged by trying to attain this image and failing. There isn't a way to win this one. By the time you've attained the perfect beauty, the picture changes and you have to start over. This is ridiculous. It's all manipulated to keep you spending money to try to achieve this impossible goal.

One thing I have noticed more and more is the same kind of brainwashing tactics being focused towards males. It has always been there (hell, I remember the Charles Atlas ad's in the back of my comics insinuating I'd never get laid unless I could bench press a VW Bug), but now I'm starting to see ad's for stuff like anti-wrinkle cream for men. Albeit, the vanity is always a good advertising angle, but I never really thought that companies would try to play it against the male consumer market. I guess it's working though.

The thing that really pisses me of is how self-conscious some people are when there is absolutely no reason for it. These fictionalized flaws that people seem to think exist aren't there. I can't stress this enough. Damnit, there is nothing wrong with any of you. Stop worrying about what the corporate world says you should look like and embrace what you are. If we were all the same think of how boring the world would be.

Unfortunately, there is some mob mentality going on here as well. The shallow, insensitive people out there who have embraced the brainwashing are nothing more than zombies pushing the media's ideas and belittling people who don't follow same idiotic path that they do. I feel a couple of emotions towards these people. The first is anger at how people can be that stupid and keep towing the line, and secondly is pity. These people are never going to see all of the other kinds of beauty (and the true beauty) that exists in the world.

I'm trying to think of the correct way to write this next statement because I don't want it to be misinterpreted. Trying to put a mental image into words can get tricky. There is always the aspect of physical attraction to a person when you are first interested in meeting them, but in my case, that is just the initial reason to have a look. Like when you are buying a car, it's got to have a nice look, but if it doesn't have the engine and the accoutrement's you are looking for, you won't buy it. This is the part that is important to me. I am interested in the whole package, rather than what is just viewed by the world. In every case where a friendship has turned into something more for me, I catch myself seeing that new interest becoming more and more beautiful every time I talk to them. Appearance is fleeting but personality and intelligence are forever.

Beauty is only what you view as being beautiful, don't accept the force fed, brainwashing bullshit that is fed to us through the media. Being unique is the most beautiful thing you can be, and never, ever be ashamed or self-conscious of who you are. If you are self-conscious, make sure that it is because you want to make a change for yourself, and not because of some image that has been projected onto you from outside sources.

Sorry, no amusing anecdote or absurdism this time to finish it off. I can't think of one to finish this off that wouldn't take away from the seriousness of this entry. This is more of a reminder to everyone who reads my little corner of the Internet to be happy with who you are, and if you are not, change for your own reasons, and not because it has been dictated to you be companies. If some one does call you beautiful, take it for the compliment that it is. Most times people actually mean it.

Whatchoo talking about Willis? I've really done it this time Ollie.

Time for a list again. With the Xmas season upon us, or under us, I can never tell which, I think it's time for a list. The list is going to be what Moloquin wants for Xmas. This is going to be a list with absolutely no restrictions whatsoever (and a practice of self gluttony). The top things I want, or at least what I want right now. I'll try to keep it under control so it doesn't turn into my 50 point list again.

Here goes. Quick interjection, 750 pound man? WTF? How can anyone hate themselves that much? I was about 45 pounds overweight earlier this year and I felt like shit, let alone 750 pounds. WTF? Whoops...Slipped...and without further adieu,

The top things I want for Xmas.

1) Xbox 360. Gotta be the premium edition baby, or better yet, The Ultimate Bundle from Gamestop. (http://www.gamestop.com/gs/360/360.asp)...and a chip to be developed for it so I'm the first one to own a modded 360.

2) 2006 Mitsubishi Eclipse with the upgraded V6 engine and the huge, watch my balls explode, speaker system. I could go on with accessories forever, but you're better off just going to the site and looking for yourself. I'll take one of everything please.

3) 1971 RoadRunner hardtop. There is nothing that has to be changed about this one, but it better be high gloss purple.

4) 1973 Gibson Les Paul Custom (no link. Everyone knows what a Les Paul is). Has to be black with brass hardware to match my 1999. I would also accept a Select Series Jackson KE2 to match my KE3 (http://www.jacksonguitars.com/gear/gear.php?partno=KE2_Kelly).

5) Absolute and complete world peace. I've written about this one before, so I'm not going to again. Maybe it's actually world piece I want.

6) Enought tools for me to finish up my Custom 1973 Honda 350, or at least a big enough garage to finish it in.

7) I'd give a Xmas gift with no boundaries to Cute Grrl, just because she deserves it for listening to my non-stop verbal diarrhea.

8) Amsterdam, or Ebay. Your choice.

9) Shirley Manson. Do you really need an explanation?

10) My divorce papers to come through. Guess I let the cat outta the bag now. Fuck it. I'm sick of hiding it. I am a statistic, and proud to be it. If I was truly going do the full monty, this one would be at the top of my list. That's where it should be. Nothing would make me happier than to slap my signature on some papers before 2006. I think it's fair. Since she chose to end it, the least she could do is give me a good start to 2006. One last point to make on this one. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this, but I should make a point here. As much as I didn't want it to end, it was for the best, and I am a much different person now, for the better. Ok, for real this time, last point. Sometimes things happen that we cannot change, but it's how we deal with them and how we use it to change our lives for the better that counts. All healing starts and ends the same way. Step by step by step. Back in the attic bitter man.

11) That Xmas wish 10 wasn't so long winded.

12) The chef's from Bhima's warung, Salute, and Taka to live next door and cook me dinner every night.

13) A cloning machine. I need at least one more of me. I need a clone of me to go to work so I can go have fun all day...oh, and a neural shunt so the cloned version of me doesn't tell the original me to piss off and go get a job.

14) Douglas Adams' next book. We all miss you DNA.

15) For everyone to understand and respect each other. Kinda like the world peace thing, but a little different. Hopefully some readers will get this.

I think that's about it. I noticed that I'm watching the passion of the Christ in the background while I'm typing out this entry. Whether you are religious or not, this movie has got to get to you. It amazes me that shit like this has happened and continues to happen to this day. I don't understand how people can do this to other people.

At What Point do you Finally Give in?

I think one of my worst (and at times, best) characteristics is my stubbornness. I have always been a stubborn person, not to the point that I won't back down when I know I'm wrong, but stubborn enough to know when I am right, and to fight for whatever it is I'm currently adhered to. I hit the point tonight, of knowing that I was wrong, but how to come about and admit it...Then I remembered the blog. Why not tell the world I'm an idiot instead of just the people who need to know? That exhibitionist personality appears to be coming back with a vengeance. Before we jump the gun I'm going to pull a Douglas Adam's and let everyone know what is going to come out of this entry. I don't want anyone assuming that this entry has some kind of monumental ending. It doesn't. To sum up, no one dies, I'm still not smoking, TV is still a cyclopean brain rotting device, cats are not living with dogs, cute grrl is still cute, and I'm going to be out about five hundred clams. Guess I could be a real bastard and end it here couldn't I? Nah...My ego needs to be heard. On to the revelation.

I'm sitting in my living room tonight, busily sorting through a bunch of Guitar Pro Tab I happened to find on the net and putting it into appropriate directories, and the itch starts. Only reformed smokers, real smokers, or smokers in the process of quitting will know the itch I'm talking about. When you are quitting the coffin nails, one of the ways of succeeding is through distraction. Sorting 50 000 pieces of sheet music does not constitute a distraction. It's more like a way to prepare for hell, and while you are quitting smoking it will make that 5 hour long task feel like 50 years. I'm sitting here writing batch files for making all the proper directories when the itch grabs me like some demon and whispers in my ear "a cigarette will make you relax and help you sort through all this shitty music". Enough of that shit. Off to the car to go get a coffee and something to munch on to distract me. I should mention at this point that it snowed last night...This is where I finally have to start giving in...This morning it took me about 20 minutes to get out of my complex and onto a somewhat plowed street (read as all the snow pushed to the sides by the other cars). In itself, not that deplorable. I drive a small, powerful, rear-wheel drive sports car, which turns into an ice skate in the winter, but lately it has passed the skate stage. An ice skate has some element of control. I have known that I needed new tires for a while, but that stubbornness kicked in and said wait. My car is now a rocket with no tail fins what so ever. Anyhow, back to the story.

After the experience of melting rubber and all my neighbors waving to me as I got stuck every 10 feet this morning, I figure I better check and see if it's snowing out there....and, at fate shits on me again, of course it is, but damnit, I want my coffee, and my bag of Munchos (tm). I get into the car and prepare for the worst. My brain is still somewhat fuzzy due to the quitting smoking shit so I'm not feeling bang on anyways, and I start the adventure for the coffee. It's greasy out there, but not exceptionally bad yet. I've managed to make it out of my parking lot with only 5 fishtails and press on and up. The snow is coming down in that wet sleety stuff making the roads more treacherous by the minute. They are almost at prime greasiness as I pull into the coffee shop drive through. I actually managed to get stuck in the drive through for a couple of seconds, and a rational man would have gone back home at this point, but not me. Munchos (tm) remember? Off to the grocery store. As I get to the store I get out of my car and take a look at my ass end tires. They look like cinnamon coated doughnuts...That ain't good. I see no treads, no rubber, just brown sloppy slush rings. I try to kick some of the shit off of my tire, but my foot just slides across the slicks. Damn. All good though, Just a bag of nitrates and then off to home.

Managed to get all the way home without any catastrophes, parked in the driveway for a second to catch my breath, and then open up the garage door. As soon as the door is open far enough I put the car back in drive and go to pull into my garage, and promptly start to slide sideways onto my front lawn. Damnit, damn. Reverse the car; take a run at the garage, and finally get in the garage.

So, no great conclusion to this one, or at least none that you can't see coming. Just to put everyone's mind at ease, I'm getting new tires (nemesis, wherever you are, you're gonna have to try harder). Three personal points to make here...Snowball, my tires aren't bald...They're broken in. Obi and Co. You won't have to come identify my smoking corpse on the side of the 401 because I slid off and exploded...Cute Grrl, Looks like you get your new tires. And after goldilocks tried all the beds and realized that none of them were very comfortable, she took the ball gags out of the three bears mouths and started the torture session with the soldering iron and the dremel. Eventually they all died, let’s say papa was first, and he made an awesome comforter for the bed.

The Chase is Still Better than the Catch

Since my last entry, a couple of questions have come up regarding my own views that I didn't really extrapolate on. I figure, since I'm already blurting out shit that I probably shouldn't be, I'll just keep pressing on slipping out stuff that I shouldn't. I mean, Why the hell not? If I'm enough of an exhibitionist to air my dirty laundry on the internet, I might as well go for the full monty...

First off, the question that has come up the most. My own 3 wishes. Two of these three have remained the same since the dawn of the great question debate, and one is relatively new. It's more a variation on what the original wish was. I'm not going to say which one is the relatively new one. People who know me personally should know which one is new. To the rest of you, it doesn't matter anyways. The show must go on.

1) World Peace. I know, I know, Predictable, but just because it's predictable doesn't make it any less important. You'd think with the amount of people who've had this in their list we'd have figured it out by now. I think we have, at a grass roots level, it's just a matter of the ones with the power catching on. Normally, bitter man would jump in here and start bitching about dinosaurs, power struggles, and politics, but we're keeping him in the attic these days...He's not a very happy fellow.

2) Complete breakdown of the gap in gender communication. I have written about this one before. Any of you regular readers will remember my way too long entry on this one. Quick summary for new people. If you have something to say to your significant other, just fucking say it. Don't say "NOTHING", don't play coy, don't dance around the subject, don't guilt trip, and don't try to cover up the true meaning behind your words. I am not accusing either gender of being guilty here. Both are equally as guilty. Wouldn't it be nice if everything was just straight up and honest without games? Think about it. I guess this could apply to broader views than the gender gap, but I like applying it here.

3) Here comes my selfish one...Sort of. It's also egotistical. Financial independence. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job or anything, but I just don't think that what I am doing now is my "True Calling", for lack of a better term. I have a delusion of grandeur for this one (no, I'm not going to tell you what it is), but I know that I cannot do what I want to without financial independence. My delusion does not pay well.

It seems my little "Wishes" test is starting to make the rounds. I've heard it come up a few different times now. Kinda neat. Reminds me of back in the musician days when I would hear one of my own tunes on the radio. Like I need a bigger ego right now. It would seem that my ego is one of the things which has been slowly growing over the last half year. There's the answer to question number two that has come up. The person who asked the question will know what this is the answer to. Maybe I'm not quite ready for the full monty...more the half monty I guess. G-string isn't coming off yet apparently. Sorry about that power of suggestion to the people who know me.

A couple of quick points to end this one off with. Today is the first day of re-quitting smoking. It feels easier this time around (we'll see how I am in two days while I'm playing poker), and I'm not feeling as anxious as last time. I wish I could say what my motivations were but I think it was just “Time”. The reason I started again doesn't have any effect on my life any longer, therefore I shouldn't need to smoke any longer either. There may be a secondary agenda there, but I'm not even sure if it's there or not, or if I want to reveal it. I'm not saying that quitting smoking is easy (it isn't), but I feel better about it this time. It's all about will power and the ability to release endorphins. I don't get angry and bitchy like most people, but I do get easily confused and distracted. Whenever I quit smoking, I don't sleep for about three days and am constantly walking around with the look on my face like that of a man who suddenly can't remember if he wiped or not after his last constitutional. To compare what it is like, it's kind of like low grade drunk for three to five days. Sounds like fun, but anything that keeps you out of full control for an extended period of time gets annoying. I'm also going to use this as an excuse to explain away any typo's or grammatical errors that occur.

Since this is just a follow up entry, I'm not really all that concerned about coming up with some conclusion. Usually I leave off these entries with some kind of non-sequitur but I've already used them all up for the week chatting on messenger. I've really got to stop chatting so much on messenger. When I run out of absurdism's, I know that I have a problem.

>>>>>>>

Quitting smoking Update.

Just thought I'd keep everyone in the loop of what it's like to quit smoking. Kinda documentary style, point form, and straight up. No one cares about the stupid quit smoking ads on TV. We all quit for our own reasons. As of right now it is ten minutes shy of twenty four hours smoke free. The insomnia kicked in hard last night, so I've now been awake for twenty six and a half hours straight now...Have to admit, having a hard time concentrating at work. Went out for lunch and got some sushi to try and get the protein and carbs fighting to give me some energy. Worked for a while, then an angel brought me coffee...I'm very disoriented, and feel like I'm asleep, but not. Everything is kind of blurry around the edges. Not angry or bitchy yet though...Probably a good thing.

>>>>>>>

Smoking Update 2

33 hours without smoking. 35 hours without sleep. Body and mind are exhausted, but not that tired yet. Time has slowed down to a crawl. I'm really wanting to go to bed, but I don't think it's time yet. Last time I quit smoking I was up for 56 hours straight, and I really don't want a repeat performance this time. Concentration is gone. I'm actually having a hard time even carrying on a conversation with a friend I can usually talk for hours with. I'm not sure how much is just pure exhaustion/sleep deficiancy, and how much is a result of the nicotene withdrawl. The cravings are getting more plentiful, but I'm still going to fight my way through this. I have succeeded once before, and I have no doubt I will succeed this time. The one thing that I should mention to anyone out there who is on the verge of quitting smoking and is reading this, is I still want to smoke, but it's all about will power. I quit cold turkey. This is not the best way for everyone. The only things I use to help me beat smoking is orange juice and gum. I don't believe that using a Nicotene replacement is a true method of quitting smoking, but in order for my method to work for you, you must have a very, very strong will and the ability to control your thought process to a tee. As far as I'm concerned, there are only a couple of things that have power over me, a certain person who will remain nameless, and myself. A silly chemical will not beat me.

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Smoking update 3

Just officially crossed the 48 hour mark. Only 24 to go until the nicotene is all out of my body. Got some sleep last night, but very fitful. Waking up every hour. Better than not sleeping at all I suppose. The time distortion has reversed today. Yesterday a minute took an hour, today an hour takes a minute. I am overdosing on caffiene today. 5th XL coffee out of the way, now I'm on to redbull. They don't sell it in cases up here anymore, so have to buy singles...I know all about the dangers with caffiene when you quit smoking (your caffiene receptors are blocked when you are a smoker, so it takes twice as much caffiene to effect a smoker as compared to a non-smoker), but I need the caffiene to keep me going. Going out for more japanese food tonight, should keep me going. Still disoriented and fuzzy, but only 24 hours to go. Cya next update.

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Smoking Update 4

This is probably the last update. Now at hour 69 without a smoke. Brain is not quite as fuzzy today as the past couple of days. Only 3 hours to go before all the nicotene in my systems has metabolized. From there on out it's just convincing the brain. Had a huge (read sickening) amount of sushi and sashimi last night for dinner. Good brain food. Defenately helped keep me on the even keel, and the company was awesome as well. Think I'm into the clear sailing portion of the quitting smoking thing. Lets just see if I survive the poker game tonight. Still chewing an insane amount of gum and drinking tons of fluids. That won't stop for a while yet...