We'll All Survive by Eating Each Other.

As with every Sunday, the inspiration bird has shat upon my head. Rather than a running diatribe like my usual entries, I think I'm going to write a couple of little entries. I could go on for an entire entry about my piece of shit car, but not everyone, including myself would find that very interesting, but it does make a good lead in to the first bit...Look at that lead in again, damn I'm good.

So I'm driving around this weekend looking for what car I'm going to throw my money at since my current one is coming off of lease and it's busy sucking my bank account dry when I spy a secret little neighborhood. As I'm driving past I take a look at the homes, and they are friggin monstrous. It was a double edged sword seeing them. First off I thought about the home I used to live in about a year ago. There were only two of us living in that house and I felt guilty the entire time. There is no reason why two people need that much room. Only about half the house was ever used. It was a complete and utter waste of space. Then the summer of unpleasantness came about and I was no longer living there. I've never looked back with regret about losing that house, and in turn, I've really looked at large houses like that in a different light. Does it really make a whole lot of sense to have a house that big? I don't care what people spend their money on, but seem to me like a huge waste. The only saving grace to the neighborhood was it wasn't a gated community. I think the best thing to do to a gated community would be to lock it from the outside and truly give them they're little private country. I know that seems bitter, but I'm always reminded of the ostrich with its head in the sand. Just because you don't like looking at the world, it doesn't mean that you can just ignore it. Wouldn't make more sense to try and fix some of the things wrong in society rather than hide away from it and let the problems multiply? That's just my opinion, but it feels right. And now for something completely different...

Last Wednesday I'm hosting poker night when I was paid one of the best, and yet confusing, compliments I've ever heard. One of my poker buddies made the comment that I was the most versatile person he had ever met. It was a compliment and I took it as such, but I had a hard time with it. The problem I had was not understanding the depth of the compliment. I've always lived my life by doing. When I want to know something new, or learn how to do something, I just do it. The part I don't understand is why everyone doesn't do this. I've always believed that if you are going to do something, you don't do it halfway. Learn everything you can about the subject and dive in head first. At least that's the way I roll.

What else to talk about this Sunday...the declining quality of internet porn? The fact that every trailer I watched before seeing X3 looked like it was written by a bunch of monkey's on crack? What the hell is all the hype about Snakes on a Plane? Nah, I think I'll just sign off. I'll update later this week when something interesting happens. In the immortal words of Ice-T, I'm out like the alphabet, A B Cya.

Huh?

Just a quick ugly update. Caught a trailer for a film and I think it's worth passing along. There may be a lot of junk science in here, but overall it looks pretty stunning. It's for a film called An Inconvenient Truth. Looks like it takes a good look at global warming. Unfortunately it doesn't get to my hometown until the 23rd of June, so some one has to check it out and let me know how it is.

Guess the tree hugging, leftist Moloquin has to come out sometimes.

You'll Never Have Friends Like the Ones You Had When You Were Twelve.

The title of this entry is mainly written as a juxtaposition to what I actually believe. As much as I enjoy the memory of the friends I had at twelve, it cannot hold a candle compared to those you make later in your life. Once we've all had the world rammed down our throat for a decade or so, reality really begins to step in. It's hard to associate with some one who has no grasp of what life actually is. Wow, that seems a little bitter...Guess I'll switch it up a little bit.

For the first time in a long time I played the spontaneity card and decided to get out of dodge for the weekend. Me and CG went out to Montreal to annoy a different town for a while. I completely forgot how much fun it is to just get out to a different city and be stupid somewhere else. I can't honestly think of any point in the weekend away where I was bored, or not having fun (or wanting to kill the company I was traveling with, unlike so many other trips in my fairly recent past). I forgot that vacations were supposed to be fun. I always heard they were, but I never got it. Good company probably makes the biggest difference in determining if you are going to have a good vacation or not. Damnit bitterman, get back in the friggin attic.

Montreal is quite possibly one of the most fun cities in Canada, so a note to any of you readers thinking of coming over to Canada for a vacation, make sure you plan a couple of nights there. Add Vancouver, Quebec City and Toronto to the list if you have the opportunity. Do not add Kitchener to the list (my current hometown). I repeat, do not add Kitchener to the list. As far as places to live go, it's not that bad, but as a place to go have a crazy amount of fun, it just doesn't cut it, unless you really like coffee shops.

On the plus side, Montreal has some of the most decadent restaurants in the world, a huge shopping district, and more bars than you can possibly hop through in a fortnight. Make sure you plan a dinner at L'Autre Saison in the core and have the Escargot. Quite possibly the best I've ever had. On the downside, like all major cities, it is Big Bucks to stay there for an extended period of time, there are a lot of homeless people, and has some very unique smelling districts. There is also something that can fall into either category, depending on the person. Montreal has one of the biggest sex/pr0n districts in Canada. If you can't find it there, it doesn't exist. The one warning attached to this one is, even though there is a district, you will find peek shows and strip joints just about everywhere. I guess this only qualifies as a warning if you are a complete prude. I always find it to be one of the more entertaining bits about Montreal but Chacun à son goût. Then again I'm pretty much a pervert at heart so it all works out.

I suppose the whole moral of the story would be, make sure to take time out to just go and do something. Be spontaneous. Also, make sure that whoever you decide to drag along on your adventure into spontaneity is someone you can handle spending an extended amount of time with. Luckily I have some great friends who are also into just flying free and doing what they want. Life is way too short to spend it doing nothing. Get out there and see the world and experience something new.

One last thing I want to add. You can never have everything in life that you want. If you do manage to get most of what you are trying to get, hold on tight. Luckily I have almost everything I want. On my mental list there is only one more thing that I need, and when I get it, you can believe that I'm never going to be letting go...

"I am not sure anymore that life can be reduced to a class struggle, to dialectical materialism, or any set of formulas. Life is spontaneous and it is unpredictable, it is magical. I think that we have struggled so hard with the tangible that we have forgotten the intangible."
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider

The Epitome of Bachelordom, or, I Really Have to Thimk before I Act.

This blog entry may go down in history as the absolute "Too Much Information" about Moloquin, but damnit, it's amusing when I think about it, and seeing as I'm always up for a good joke (even on myself) I figured, why not share it with everyone. Here goes readers, your forewarning...There may be some nudity in this entry, so to paraphrase Homer Simpson, if you are offended by the human wang, look away. Ok, there won't be any pictures, but there may be mention of something that would be cresting the PG-13 rating that I mentioned in the last entry. Ok, to be honest, there is no way that this is going to break the PG-13 rating. PG at best. Tits.

I have come to terms with my bachelorhood. It's been an interesting climb, but I have finally reverted to that same twenty something guy with an apartment phase, albeit, much cleaner this time around. It has taken me the better part of a year to get back into the groove, but it's much like falling down a cliff; you really have no idea how far it is until you look back up and see you are never getting to the top again, but not in a bad way. The bottom is just different. A little darker, a little less vegetation, maybe a creek...What? Nevermind.

Anyways, back on the train. In true bachelor fashion I have made some adjustments to my life. One of the major ones is the removal of all snack foods from my house. Snacks are the Babylonian Whore to the bachelor. You will always keep returning until you are 300 pounds, sitting on the couch in a pair of boxer shorts and wife beater top, drinking chocolate milk straight out of a gallon jug. I desperately did not want to turn into that guy, so all junk food was banished from my home. One of the other things that has changed is only picking up the food I want to eat for dinner from the supermarket on the way home from work. Same principle as above. When a bachelor is sitting in the living room at ten o’clock at night and gets the munchies, it's hard to differentiate from a bag of chips, and frying up two pounds of ground beef. Trust me; we will do this if we get the idea in our head. Ask around and you discover some of the most obscure dishes used as snacks during the late hours of the night in a bachelor’s house. In conclusion, don't drop by my house for a surprise dinner; otherwise you may be eating a bottle of sambucca for supper. Seriously. I keep no food whatsoever in my house. Now the stage is set, on to Act 2.

Some night about a week ago I'm lying in bed re-reading a book by Simon R. Green when the urge grabs me. Damn...I'm hungry. Of course it's now 2:30 in the AM and I'm almost at the point of sleep anyways. I figure, I'll just ignore it and I'm good until morning. No harm, no foul. I keep reading and the hunger isn't going away. I guess you can't just have a bunch of saltines for dinner and get away with it.

"I'm ignoring you stomach...Go to sleep."

"gurglegurglegurgleglorp."

Damnit. Looks like I'm gonna have to put some food in me or I'm never going to get to sleep. It's now about 3:00 or so and I'm tired and fed up, so up and out of my nice warm bed to find something to give my stomach so it will shut up.

One piece of info before proceeding, it may seem odd but it's necessary for the tale. I have always slept without pajamas. I have always found them constricting so they went away when I was about eight or so, and I've never looked back. Now mix this information with the fact I have no sense of modesty (or just no sense maybe) and you have a unique combination. Onward we go.

I hop out of bed and start the trek down to my kitchen. Of course, I'm not wearing anything. Why would I? It's my house and it's a little after three in the morning. The only person that could possibly be in here would be a burglar, and I'm pretty sure I'd get the upper hand as hungry naked guy. Surprise alone should be worth something.

I get to my kitchen, and start digging around for something to eat. As mentioned before, I keep a pretty bare cupboard so this is quite a challenge. I go to the fridge and find lots of liquor bottles.

"Yeah, that'll help me sleep, but not in a good way...next. Look, some bread, oh, wait, looks like the colony living on there has just discovered electricity. Lets put that back in the fridge and hope they discover something cool like time travel, or where all my left socks have gone. More liquor, more liquor, some beer just for a change...nothing. There is nothing at all in my fridge worth eating. Into the cupboard we go...Look, some saltines, oh wait, that's just the empty box from the ones I ate at dinner. A bag of sugar?"

Instantly I'm nine years old again with a bag of confectioner’s sugar...

"No, let's not do that...Damn near killed me when I was nine. Parsley, oregano, salt, spices out the wazoo. Maybe we'll mix up some Parsley Oregano Nutmeg Sambucca suprise? Big BIG next to that one. What's that? Up there, on the top shelf where everything not healthy for me used to be?"

What my grasping hands had discovered was a box of liquor filled chocolates I had received for chrismas. They were the good ones too, not the cheap ones that you find at the checkout at the grocery store, and seeing I just wanted to get something in me so I could get to sleep, in they went. Now, you might be thinking that this isn't very different than the stuff that was in my fridge, and you are mostly right, but this was prepackaged so it was good to go, plus I was tired, frustrated and not thinking 100% clearly.

Now this is the crucial moment, the climax of the story so to speak.

As I'm gobbling down liquor filled chocolates my brain kicks in and for a brief second, I can see clearly for a moment, and what do I see? I see a naked, early 30's male standing in his kitchen eating liquor chocolates. Damn. I really hope I can climb back up that cliff to get to the top again, because down at the bottom of the chasm it is a scary, scary place.

Early to Bed and Early to Rise Makes a Man, Healthy, Wealthy and Boring.

One night last week I was taking an easy night and had just settled in for a long bit of non-educational, sitcom viewing, when I truly realized how much I hate commercials. I don't watch the big network programs that often, but on this night I was force fed all kinds of adverts for products I didn't need or food I didn't eat. There were a couple of highlights in the evening viewing though, one being the blatant stupidity that it is assumed the public has when viewing these 30 sec vomitous masses that they call a humorous advertisement. I am a pretty easy going, relaxed person most of the time, and as inane as this is going to sound, I actually felt insulted by the commercials. There was one in particular for a fast food chain which specialized in faux Mexican food and has a large noise making chunk of brass that is usually reserved for churches in the commercial (sue me now Biotches) that particularly annoyed me. It could have been the fact that it was played every ten minutes, but I think more likely it was the delivery of the commercial. It was trying to be funny, and failing miserably. I was reminded of the jokes that were swapped back and forth at the playground when I was in grade three, which has a lot to say about how the marketing world views us regular people doesn't it? We are treated like we are eight years old and told what to buy with our allowance. Bah...I'm not going to get on the soapbox today; I just don't have the energy. (watch this lead-in people.)

One of the other adverts that bothered me was about some mattress company or another. I have no doubt that the proper mattress can leave me feeling more rested and energized, maybe even improve my quality of sleep, but there is no way on god's green earth that I am waking up with a stretch, smiling and hopping out of the bed glad to meet the day (well, there is one way, but I try to keep this a PG-13 rated blog). Like everything else which catches my attention, I started thinking about it, and questioned if I have ever woken up happy to be awake and glad to meet the day? The answer is never (other than the censored bit mentioned above, and that was not because of the mattress), so this lead down another path. Have I ever known anyone who wakes up happy and cheerful in the morning? And further, have I ever known a woman to wake up in the morning with perfectly coifed hair and make up on perfectly? Again the answer was no. Most sane people would stop at this point and just accept that it's bunk, but no, not me.

So, I'm at work on Monday and I ask Newt if he wakes up happy.

“Nope.”

How about your wife?

“Nope.”

Anyone you've ever known?

“Nope.”

It's a fallacy. No one ever wakes up happy. Ever. We've been lied to. Tell those mattress salesmen to shove their proverbial mattress up their cornholes and tell that we aren't going to take it any more. No more lies. Stop the madness. Another of the worlds mysteries solved by soothsayer Moloquin.

This entry has very little to do with the title. I had one idea in mind when I started, and ended up in a completely different country when I finished. Damn.

Even Though you Don't Want to Dance, It's Feels Good to be Invited.

Time to get off of the blasphemy train. I figure I've attacked religion enough. Let’s get back to more grounded, sane stuff (relatively) and write about the new epiphanies in my life. I have to come back to roots occasionally so I don't go into professor mode. As much as I love the idea of prophet Moloquin, I have to give him time to collect apostles and send them out to the desert to reflect before I can write of the coming of the new church. Damn...Maybe I'm not totally off of the blasphemy train yet.

I have decided to have a go at the straight edge lifestyle again. I was a straight edge for a few years back in the mid nineties. I had to then because of all the abuse I had done to myself in the late teenage/early twenties. I never really bought into the preachy, holier than thou attitude that I seen in many of the straight edgers back then. Don't get me wrong, not all of the straight edgers are like that, but like any movement, there are always the extremist sections. I just needed to adopt the lifestyle to clean myself out and be able to see life clearly again. It's one of those revelations that some of us have that is truly life changing.

That is a term that is bandied about way to readily these days. Revelation. A revelation is not realizing that you can save 1.59 a day by quitting the take away coffee after work. My revelation was waking up in a bed filled with blood and vomit. You want a rude awakening? Try that. Something about seeing a bunch of stuff on the outside that should be on the inside, and not even realizing you did it is somewhat of an eye opening experience. From that moment I knew I had to change my nihilistic lifestyle before it was too late and I was found in a ditch somewhere.

Back to the topic at hand, change in lifestyle. Before I go any further, I could be construed as somewhat of a poser to other straight edgers. I don't buy into the attitude that is usually associated to the lifestyle, I just go along with the abstaining from Drugs, Alcohol, and Tobacco. And forget about abstaining from sex. Not that the opportunity is lining up at my front door, but damn, give up sex? Don't even think for a minute that is going to happen. And I'm not Emo, or Hardcore, or any other clique. I'm just a prophet, or deity in waiting as I like to think.

The real reason for the lifestyle change is I feel like I need to go through a "purifying" cycle. I've lost a bunch of weight (ok Obi, not weight, fat) over the last ten months or so, but I just can't ditch the last twenty pounds or so that insist on hanging around my midsection, so I've started getting into weight lifting again. Back in a past life I used to be in very good shape and was fairly physically active. Most of this went out the window over the past 10 years with career change, but the time has come around again for me to regain something similar to what I once was. As the joke goes, I used to have pecs, but they fell down to my stomach when I wasn't looking.

I've only been on the exercise wagon a little while, but I can already feel the difference. It's amazing how quickly the body starts to remember what it once was. Getting back into exercise again was not as horrible as I thought it would be, but not as good as I hoped either. That first week felt like I had gone three rounds with a chainsaw and came in second. I thought my arms hurt from playing too much Guitar Hero, but that first morning after was something else. Every forgotten muscle in my arms, chest and back felt like they had burning torches buried in them somewhere. It was a good pain though. I knew there was a purpose behind it, so I couldn't complain too loudly. Onward and upward.

And now we've come full circle to the title of this one. The idea behind the title is, even though you don't necessarily want to do something, it's cool to be asked. The reaction to this one came this weekend. Ask any divorced person and they'll back me up on this one (unless you are one of the fuckers who were having an affair and caused the divorce). Getting back into the whole "single" thing is a long, winding and difficult path for some of us. I hated the whole dating thing the first time around, and highly suspect I'll hate it just as much this time. I loathe the whole superficial primping and throwing your props around in order to impress someone. Bah. Anyways, all the weight loss and exercise shit came to fruition this weekend. Not the way everyone thinks...Get your minds out of the gutter. It feels great to be hit on again, and it is a compliment people, get used to it. I wasn't expecting it, or playing up some angle, but it happened none the less. It felt good. I don't necessarily know if I'm ready to play the game again, but under the right circumstances I suppose I could be. It was just that little bit of a boost to the self confidence I needed. Yeah, like I need anything else to inflate my already over inflated ego, but damnit, it felt good. Muchos Gracias to the person doing the hitting.

Enough, I'm done. Gotta get some Guitar Hero in tonight before sack time. Before anyone asks, yes you look like an absolute idiot when you play it, but try it and you'll be hooked like a heroin addict.

One last thing. Congrats go out to CG. Good job Grrl. You deserve it, and don’t think otherwise.

"Nihilism is best done by professionals."
Iggy Pop

What Do You Want to Do Tonight Brain? Try to Take Over the World.

Let's keep the blasphemy train going shall we? No, I'm not going to go on with some dull and boring (to some) history lesson. I think it's time to have some fun again. I've been writing about some less than comedic topics lately, so let’s combine them. This is either going to be very amusing, down right silly, or just plain stupid. I guess we'll see how it pans out by the time I'm done. I can already see people who know me shaking their heads at this one. I figure, since I was complaining so loudly about all the omissions from the bible in the last entry, it's time for the prophet Moloquin to step forward and update a bit. Now people who know me are really shaking their heads. I can almost hear the whispers of "No, don't do it". Well, I'm going to do it anyways, and it's an excuse for another list, but this one has precedence, and providence, so I don't feel guilty about doing it. Here we go. An updated version of the ten commandments, but let's not use the exact ones from the scripture. Let's take the good ole dumb’ed down ones from Sunday school.

Ouch. Yup he's actually writing it.

Originals

1) Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

3) Thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain.

4) Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

5) Honour thy father and thy mother.

6) Thou shalt not kill.

7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.

8) Thou shalt not steal.

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness.

10) Thou shat not covet.

The Newly Improved Moloquinized Version

1) If you are going to believe in a higher power, make sure that you are worshipping it for the right reasons.

2) If you do have a faith, don't only have a convenient faith on the holidays. In other words, shit or get off the pot.

3) If you are believe in something strongly enough, don't talk shit about it. If you do, I guess you really don't believe in it as strongly as you though you did.

4) Anything worth believing in is worth discussing. It's probably a good idea to talk to your friends about it, but don't try to convince them you are right. Just tell them so they don't think you're on crack, or slowly going nuts.

5) Respect what your parents tell you, if it's a valid opinion, and it's good advice. If it is something that you question or don't believe, call them on it, or do your own research to see if you should do it/believe in it or not. Most of the time your parents are right, but not always...

6) Don't kill anything. I repeat anything. Not only should you not kill people, don't kill anything else. All life is sacred.

7) Don't screw around on you significant other, unless you are both into that kind of thing. If one of you isn't but the other is, don't be a dick/bitch and try to hide it. Be an adult and step forward. If you are big enough to screw around, be big enough to admit it and cut the other person loose by telling them the truth.

8) If it doesn't belong to you, don't take it. Chances are some one else had to work for what ever it is you just lifted.

9) Don't lie about what people do or don't do. We're fucked up enough without spreading shit about everyone else.

10) Just because someone you know has cool things, don't get yourself all worked up about not having the same (or cooler) stuff. For the most part, the fun is getting the cool things...then you get bored of them and would gladly let some one borrow them.

That's it. See y'all later.

>>>>>>>

I would have written something about scientology, but I'm afraid Tom Cruise and Isaac Hayes would have come to my house and killed me, or made me eat placenta at the least.

>>>>>>>

BTW, Robot Chicken Rocks. And so does Wonder Showzen.